Short Short Short Stories.

Quick update:

I’m taking the GRE on the 28th of May so I’m going to spend the next 2 weeks studying and NOT writing. So wish me luck and have fun not reading my blog I guess. I’m trying to get into grad school cause I’m bored and want to change things up.

You can still tweet me up if you’re bored.

I’m not even sure if these qualify as short stories. They’re probably more like long poems or even longer haiku. (I don’t know that much about poems, so sue me.) Let me know what you think.

The Child

His dirty overalls besmirched with dirt.

His nose is full.

The finger becomes the jackhammer.

The mouth the landfill.

The Couple

He lounges in his lazy boy.

She sits in her seat.

An argument erupts and verbal altercations fly.

They have make up sex.

He spanks her ass during, and she likes it.

Timing is everything.

Willem Dafoe

Willem Dafoe smiles.

Somewhere an earthquake happens.

The Breakfast

The eggs wait patiently.

So do the potatoes.

So do the toast.

A fork comes down and hacks off some of the eggs.

“I told you he likes eating his eggs first.” Said the toast.

The Hotdogs

The Fireman and his firetruck show up on scene.

A family is very frightened.

The Fireman surveys the fire.

It smells of delicious destruction.

“False alarm!” The Fireman yells.

The relieved family goes back to their BBQ.

The hot dogs with their cell phone, thought that would save them from an untimely death.

The Blog Post Where You Get Creeped Out.

So when was the last time you got scared? What scary movies have you seen that you absolutely can’t watch again? What gets your heart racing with fear?

What makes you do this?

So imagine all of those really scary NON gory things, Or don’t.

For all you scaredy cats out there here are two links to bring a smile to your face, and then proceed to exit out of my blog.

A video of baby kittens sucking on bottles.Puppy pictures!

For all you brave souls, pull up a chair, sit down next to a creepy rabbit and ENJOY!

 

 

You’re walking to your car, alone in a parking lot. You look over and see this:

 

 

You’re playing hide and go seek with the wrong kind of person.

 

 

The IN-LAWS ARE OVER!

 

 

Mother In law wants you to help in the kitchen!

 

Fluffy saw you hiding in the barn!

I…. I…. don’t know what to say to this.

You tell a joke to the Hendersons and they smile at it.

Smiles are the best.

Its just a little girl dancing!

Tucked into bed!

How did you do?  Not creepy right?

 

 

Not Learning To Read and other observations.

Just some observations y’all.

- Alzheimer’s plus premature ejaculation would be confusing as hell.

- Jewish Santa Claus is really Karl Marx.

Proof:

- The way to tell if you’re very close friends with someone, is to borrow something of value from them and see how long it takes them to ask for it back. Spouses and significant others are excluded from borrowing.

- We all have a friend like this:

He’s the kind of friend who will give you the shirt off his back but he’ll also total your car and you’ll never see him again.

- A Time machine is the only way cheating on your boyfriend is perfectly alright. Just go back in time before you met him and cheat… Cheat to your hearts content.

- My favorite kind of coffee is Colombian Coffee. I don’t drink it I snort it, and its not black its white, and its probably not coffee.

- Anyone who is over 50 and is still seen as attractive by people in their 20′s, is practicing some sort of witchcraft and or using moisturizer.

- As a man the only time you should play hard to get, is in prison.

How I Feel About Blogging With Gifs Part 2

For those of you looking for PART 1… Here you go.

How I feel when I write a great joke:

How all bloggers on WordPress feel when they want to get freshly pressed:

When they don’t get freshly pressed:

When I see I’ve gotten a lot of hits from Facebook:

Or Twitter:

Or how in the heck people find my blog on Google searches:

When I see a boring, boring, boring stupid blog get freshly pressed:

How I feel when I see someone excited about anything on WordPress:

How I think all women view me after reading my blog:

How they really view me:

How I feel about hits on my blog: (imagine the bubbles are hits)

What I tell myself in the mirror before writing a post:

When someone compliments my blog or shares it on theirs:

After checking my stats I do this dance:

A Very Disturbing Story #2

If you missed my last one here it is.

Please get a chance to familiarize yourself with the first one, it may or may not turn you off from reading this one.

I can confirm that this story is true as it happened to someone I went to college with, so please enjoy that fact.

A mutual friend I went to college with, (we’ll call him Dave) decides to get a nipple piercing. He’s found out that the girl he’s crushing on really likes them.

After getting the piercing he isn’t really taking care of himself, and after three days he notices that the piercing is a little swollen and tender. He doesn’t really give a shit about the condition of his piercing as he’s young, dumb and worried about other things.

One morning he wakes up and jumps in the shower. After showering and exiting, he looks in the mirror. He notices (in his words not mine) between the piercing and his nipple a “white wormy thing” sticking out. Grabbing a pair of tweezers to extract this white wormy thing. He immediately regrets this decision because of what came after.

He wakes up 10 minutes later twitching in a pile of his own vomit and urine…

Because he had tried to pull out a NERVE.

20 Facts That Will Blow Your MIND!

Found these on the internet and wanted to share. Trust me when I say they’re all true ok?

 

1. A Giraffe can go without water longer than a camel.

2. A Horse cannot breathe though its mouth.

3. Wombats poop in cubes.

4. Eagles mate while airborne.

5. Coconuts kill more people every year than sharks.

6. The time separating the Stegosaurus and the Tyrannosaurus Rex is greater than the time separating Tyrannosaurus Rex and You.

7. Cleopatra is closer to the modern era than she is closer to the construction of the pyramids.

8. Lobsters are apparently immortal. (Minus us eating them that is)

9. If you gather 23 random people in a room there is a 50% chance that 2 of those people will share the same birthday.

10. Raspberry flavoring is extracted from beaver glands.

11. Charlie Chaplin once lost a Charlie Chaplin look alike contest.

12. Honey never spoils

14. Light roast coffee has more caffeine than dark roast.

15. If you keep walking east you’ll always be walking east, if you keep walking north you’ll eventually be walking south.

16. Ants can survive in a microwave, they’re small enough to miss the microwaves.

17. Ke$ha’s “Tik Tok” sold more copies than any single by the Beatles.

18. If you flick your nipple and wait a few seconds it will go hard. (Try it right now if you don’t believe me.)

19. 111111111 x 111111111 = 12345678987654321

20. I skipped the number 13 and  you didn’t notice…. did you?

You Are Such A…..

You’re such an alcoholic that I’ve considered investing in the company that makes your favorite alcohol.

You are so unloved, you’re not allowed to like anything on Facebook.

You are such a mystery that the Illuminati come to you for advice.

You are such a wimp, you don’t let out a whimper, you let out a you.

You are such a loser, The Confederacy, Nazi Germany and the Biggest Loser won’t have anything to do with you.

You are such a bad driver, your insurance company calls you for repair quotes.

You are so bad at board games, when you play Monopoly and pass GO you get charged an ATM fee. When you play the game Life, you end up unemployed, alone and drinking bottles of Gin in a hotel. When you play Chess your pawns turn on you and the queen leaves you.

You are so bad at sports you get picked last every time. Not even the kids want you on their team.

You are such a disorganized person, hoarders take notes from you.

You are such a worrier, when you step on a crack, you actually call your mom to make sure her back is ok. (Sorry if you don’t get the reference.)