1. Everything I know about History I learned from watching my dad read the morning paper….. “Back in my day!”

2. Everything I know about reading I learned from the show “Reading Rainbow.”

3. Everything I learned about sex was from repressing memories over the course of my entire life, and rehashing those memories every time I hear a door slam.

4. All of the Spanish I learned was from the Tv show Sesame street, Dora the Explorer, the movies, Traffic and Y tu mama tambien which is a good mix of both innocent and raw if you know what I mean.

5. Perception is 9/10 of the reason why people enter NOT GUILTY verdicts,  the other 1/10 is for people who are bored.

6. I learned to tie my shoes by copying the other school kids at class. I would secretly un-tie their shoes and watch them as they retied their own. I still put the shoes on the wrong foot though.

7. Everything I know about toothpaste is that it cleans my teeth and that you can’t get it back in the tube… NO matter how hard you try.

8. I LEARNED the hard way that the older you get the more exercise and dieting you have to do. By the time I’m 80 I’ll have- WAIT who am I kidding I’m not living past 50.

9. I learned that people who make lists don’t follow them and more often than not, lie to those around them and on the internet….. *GET IT?!*

1. The Recession

2. Because those beers won’t drink themselves.

3. Because its not your fault.

4. The Recession

5. Your daddy got fired too.

6. The Recession

7. Your resume lists “Ass kicker” and “Inventor of the Choke hold” as former job titles.

8. Your idea of looking for a job is creating a “career builder” profile and responding to the spam emails.

9. The RECESSION

10. You can’t find work because you’re still in high school competing with college graduates for a job at Baskin Robbins.

11. THE RECESSION

12. You can’t find work because you’re in your late 50′s and companies are looking to hire kids in their early twenties who are willing to do the same work you do but for 30% less money.

13. You’re pregnant.

14-21 = THE RECESSION

22. Because Leprechaun hunter isn’t a real job.

23. You were fired from your last job for leaving at “Shark O’clock,” that’s a made up time.

24. You lied on your resume. Nobody believes you interned with Napoleon Bonaparte.

25. DID I MENTION!? THE RECESSION!?

This guy,

Is “head over heels in love” with her,

Courtesy of Jaipals.com

Don’t know whether he’s just crazy, balsy or just trolling all of us.

On Balding:

Guys, if you’re going to go bald you might as well be in shape. Just a thought.

Ladies if you’re going to go bald you might as well stay young forever. OR I hear they sell wigs too. Just a thought.

Or for anyone, if you are going bald just tell everyone you’re going through chemo and people will feel sorry for you.

On Motorcycles:

Why yes! I will go 70 mph without a seat belt sitting on combustible fuel,  navigating a machine that can’t stand up without help.

Knee jerk:

I don’t know why they call it knee-jerk I mean, my fist punched you without even thinking about it. Maybe its a punch jerk?

knitting:

All hit men know how to knit> Knitting needles are really good weapons> Ninjas invented Knitting.

Ikea:

Please, be original for once with your name. Also what is a kea? Here let me check on my Iphone.

Casual:

I’m a guy so naturally I’m looking for new levels of casual in everything I do.

A necktie and collared shirt are just too professional to be lazy in. “Oh let me lounge on the couch in my suit and tie.” Bet you never heard someone utter that sentence before.

Bicycle shorts:

Are like Baseball’s Catchers gear, unless you’re playing baseball or bicycling you probably shouldn’t be wearing them.

I thought it was time to rename some common facial hair types. I’ve put the previous name at top and included MY NEW NAME in the photo.

Enjoy.

1. The Full Beard

2. Mutton Chops

3.Van Dyke

4. Hulihee

5. Chin Curtain

6. Goatee

7. Petit Goatee

8. Duck Tail

9. Fu Manchu

10. Old Dutch

11. Soul patch

12. Handlebar + Goatee combo

13. Handlebar

So please feel free to use these names in public use and give me all of the credit.

THANKS!

Like many of you I happen to have a great set of friends who are funny. Some of them even more so than myself. I recently started writing down some of the funny things they’ve said and thought, “hey why not write a blog post about it.”

So here goes nothing and if any of these aren’t funny, then maybe this is one of those “Yah kinda had to be there” attitudes. In which case I apologize for wasting your time and not being funny.

“I think its cute when you smile your eyes disappear. Its like you’re Chinese, but only when you smile.”

“In new and unusual social situations every teenager is awkward and uncomfortable, which is why I would never want to be one again. I have a hard enough time as a woman in my mid 20′s. I don’t want to be painfully awkward anymore.”

“Vesuvian, Vetruvian, you know the Da Vinci drawing about the guy with 4 arms and 4 legs and 1 dong.

“Spaghetini, more like Faghetini” “Spaghetini is the pink hand bag of pastas”

• Friend 1: “I don’t eat anything with a face.”
• Friend 2: “I don’t eat bottom feeders.”
• Friend 3: “I don’t eat anything that carries its home on its back.”
• Friend 4: “Well I don’t eat homeless people.”

• Friend 1: “What did the Amish wear if they can’t have buttons or zippers?”
• Friend 2: “Yoga pants”
• Friend 3: “Hans! Help me hitch this horse up! My yoga pants are riding up!”

“Did anyone else kinda fall in love with the female squirrel from Sword in the Stone when they were younger? Nope? Just me? She’s all mine!”

“I’ve never had a hooker but I imagine the feelings experienced afterward are similar to eating Wendys… regret & a yearning for a wet nap.”

“Can I bring nunchucks? Is a question that no one should have to ask.”

“My dream acting job would be to get a company’s orientation video, only to then get a job AT that company and when it came time to watch the orientation with all other new hires, their reactions would be priceless…….. And then I’d quit.”

Alright folks thats it. Enjoy your day.

Moses.

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while but stuff happens ya know? Anyway, I have this website you should check out if you’re bored and want something weird to laugh at. ENJOY!

http://manbabies.com/

Its photo shopped photos of babies and dads faces.

Moses.

PS I’ll have another regular post in a 2 days or so I PROMISE.

The day after the world learned that Osama bin Laden had been killed, I went to my local Starbucks to purchase a coffee as I had a hankering. Seeing as I didn’t have cash, I handed my debit card to the surly looking young woman behind the counter. Because I bank with Navy Federal Credit Union, the young woman upon seeing my debit card and ringing up my purchase casually asked, “Oh are you in the navy?” To which I lied and responded, “Yes, I am a Navy Seal.” Her eyes bulged and she attempted to ask me, “Did you know any of the Navy Seals who killed Osama Bin Laden?”

But I cut her off saying, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

She handed back my debit card with a shaky hand. After receiving my drink I looked back at her while walking out. She was furiously texting or typing something on her cell phone. I’m sure she was letting everyone know she had met a “Navy Seal.”

What is the moral of this story?

1. This is a great story to tell friends when the topic comes up.
2. Sometimes a white lie to improve someone’s day isn’t a bad thing.
3. I can’t go that Starbucks anymore.
4. I am not a Navy Seal, but I am a liar.

Answer: 3

If you use these words in conversation you probably sound like a dullard an idiot or at best someone who has misheard a word. Your friends are nice and won’t say anything, so its up to me to open your eyes.

You’re welcome.

1. Supposably.

So imagine an intellectual who is well respected and constantly speaks through his or her nose. On one occasion they happen to get a cold and use the word “Supposedly.” On those rare occasions the word “Supposedly” could actually sound like “Supposably.” Now to the rest of you, good luck on finding a better excuse than that to hide your idiocy.

2. Conversate.

Come, let us sit by the fire reciting poems. I in my obsequiousness speaking the warmth of our friendship and you conversating on the days events. Conversation IS a word, CONVERSATE is not. I think the word you are looking for is converse. Now I know what you’re thinking. (WHAT!? LIKE THE SNEAKER!?) Yes, like the sneaker. please stop using conversate. It isn’t a word.

3. Expresso

If you use this word, I will dump a 5 dollar Starbucks drink on your face. And don’t even think about going to Italy and asking for an Expresso. A 5$ Starbucks drink in your face will be the least of your worries.

4. Vay-cay, Vuh Jay jay, Totes, Presh and other shortened words.

Look I know, being in middle school is tough. So many people before you have thought of really cool words to say that made them the most popular in school. I mean gosh, the guy who invented the word “cool” is probably a billionaire right now.  But lets be honest, its ok to text these words on your phone to your other middle schooler friends, seen and not heard so to speak. Use them in front of me and I will throw wild hay makers until I see blood!

5. Random or Awkward or Literally

These words were over used about 5 years ago. Please stop using them as “filler” words. “Hey I went to the gas station and filled up my tank. OH THATS RANDOM!“No! its not Random, people fill up their gas tanks because they have to.

“Oh my God, Justine, this totally ugly boy just asked me out! Why couldn’t he have been hot?! AWKWARD! About 97% of situations before the age of 40 are awkward to some degree. Please get over it.

I literally- STOP NO YOU DIDN’T!

6. Irregardless

I have a confession. I did use this word. I am not perfect. For future reference all you have to say is “Regardless.” Don’t kill me, irregardless of what you might have heard….. DAMN! I DID it again-

7. Winning

I can’t even respond to this word anymore.

Please don’t use these…. Ever…

1. You look familiar, Oh! You remind me of my favorite porn star. Wanna go back to my place and make a movie?

2. I’ve noticed with my binoculars that you take a shower every morning at 7:33 care for some company?

3. I WOULD love to take you out for a nice coffee and some anal. How about it?

4. Excuse me, do you drive a toyota corrolla, license plate #ZBR 263? IF SO! How about I follow you back to your place tonight?

5. Hello my lady, I am a level 12 warrior carrying 2 drinks, I cast my amorous spell of love on you with my eyes. You graciously accept one of my drinks, I then cast bonerous spell of boning on your woman parts, we then proceed to the-

6. HI! MY NAME is JASON! What? You don’t recognize me? Oh, well we met at a party a year ago. Oh you still don’t recognize me? How about if I call you on my cell, breathe deep into the phone and utter a few groans…. I’ll bet you’ll recognize me then.

7. Cupid told me to come talk to you, His arrow is in my pants.

8. Two questions, Whats your favorite sexual position? AND Whats your favorite sexual position while on meth?

9. You know what they say!? Once you get herpes you can’t get it again.

10. Hey I was wondering if we could be friends for a couple years letting you friend zone me until I get my courage up and end our friendship? Cool, Drinks are on me tonight!