The Great Clown Job.

The Clown Job I forgot about.

I remembered not long after writing my previous blog about working at a golf course that it really wasn’t my first job. You see, when I was 16 my dad ran a store and as part of its grand reopening after a renovation, they had me be a “clown.” I put clown in parentheses for a few good reasons. Did I have any clown training? No. Did I have any training putting on Clown makeup? No. Did I have any experience scaring the shit out of kids and ruining their day/lives? Yes. I wrote the Gosh Darned book on it.

From what I can remember I had a golf cart that I got to drive around in, (bad Idea) I got to hand out balloons to kids and basically wrote the rule book on everything else.

So after putting on my clown costume and makeup, which probably looked like a mentally disturbed person was playing with mommy’s makeup and then decided to stop halfway through.  I was using a lot of browns and whites on my face.; If I was a Native American painting on my war paint, I’d be from the tribe of “thick brown stripe,” if that paints any kind of picture. It looked like someone shat a perfect brown rainbow on my forehead, seriously.

Following the adventures in face painting I started handing out balloons at the entrance to the store. The kids themselves responded in a variety of ways from 1 being really happy and wanting me to do jigs and entertain them to , 10 being flailing and gnashing of teeth combined with the a demonic screaming to get away. If a kid was a 10 I did my duty to keep my distance, now say that a kid gave me a worried look and hid behind its mother’s skirt, then it was game on.

Clowns are creepy as fuck, I don’t know who decided that they were nice and cool and fun to be around. Even before the movie “IT” Clowns always had a tinge of mistrust to them.  I think the beginning of the end for clowns was when noted serial killer John Wayne Gacy used to dress up as a one and entertain at birthday parties. 

Anyway… After freaking a kid out and damaging them mentally, I learned that as long as I was wearing this god forsaken costume and wearing the makeup of a mentally deranged person I could get away with whatever I wanted. So I moved on to the bigger fish, I started messing with adults. I was having a blast! Jumping out and scaring adults, driving my golf cart around at a four way stop, preventing people going through the intersection. But then I made a big mistake, I jumped into a parked car with a black family in it. The music in my head stopped, the Dad pointed a finger at me and with the voice of God himself said, “GET OUT!”

So my clown career died that day, I thought I was going to get beat up.

I don’t remember a whole lot about the rest of the experience, I think I blacked it out.




About MaximumWage

I don't wear shoes. And I habitually reinvent myself, like the wheel.
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