An Encyclopedia of Grandmas


While walking out of my apartment’s front door to write, I noticed two really old ladies standing outside the main walk in gate. They looked confused and were trying to get in but didn’t know how to use the call box. Since I was on my way out I let them in, they both thanked me six times in their broken Armenian English. This got me wondering, what kind of Old ladies are out there? What kind of Grandma do you have? How would you categorize your Grandma or elderly old neighbor lady? Here are my categories.

Crazy cat lady. She might be real nice but you can smell her house from down the street. She has scratch marks all over her hands and arms and it’s not because she cuts herself.

Smoker’s voice old lady. Remember in the 60’s or even the 50’s when smoking was cool? Yeah, she’s now a walking talking PSA for why smoking is NOT cool. Turned on? Sexually aroused? Have a boner? Ask her to whisper sweet nothings in your ear.

Floppity Boobs old lady. two arms? More like four arms. Gravity is a bitch.

The Saint. As a kid she baked you cookies,  she told you stories and made sure all your childhood dreams were met, as an adult she’s the one the news crews interview when you get arrested, “Oh my jimmy is no murderer! He couldn’t have done such a thing!”

The Miser. She’s the one taking all of the ketchup packets at the fast food restaurant; she uses the phrases “Social security,” and “fixed income” to describe why she can’t afford anything.  She makes you look like you’re wasting every single dollar you ever spend. Her tips at restaurants are based on what available change she has on hand. Quarters? Nickels? Dimes? You betchya!

Politically crazy.  She either says, “George Bush was behind 9/11” or “Barack Obama is a Muslim born in Kenya.” All at Christmas time, at a large family gathering.

The One who doesn’t give a damn.  She runs half marathons, or rides a motorcycle, she will be frequently featured on Good morning America or Regis and Kelly most likely for something crazy she did. Sky diving Granny who fought off an attacker with her purse!

The Pin Drop. You might have her as a grandmother or have worked with someone like her. You’re in the midst of conversation with her and she drops a grenade like, “Oh there used to be a Negro family that lived down the street from me growing up.” Or “Its ok, it was the 60’s! it was a different time,  I once slept with Steve McQueen when he was filming Bullitt!” “Oh we all used to drink and drive back then, made driving fun, that’s why the cars were so big back then!” You get the idea.

The Cool Grandma. You know, she’s wearing those huge black sunglasses and those parachute pants cause all the kids are wearing them and her blue hair shines in the sun.

There is a disclaimer to all of these in that many of them also qualify as old man qualities. They aren’t all unique to old women, However if I were to see a floppity boobed old man, I’d run the other way.

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About MaximumWage

I don't wear shoes. And I habitually reinvent myself, like the wheel.
This entry was posted in Jobs, Life and the American Way and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to An Encyclopedia of Grandmas

  1. This was funny. I used to be a “Lazy Killer” Grampa (“Get off your ass and get a job, you lazy galoot! That’s the trouble with you kids. Ya got it too easy. When I was your age…”) Now that I’m working part-time in my last five years before retiring, I remembered what I somehow forgot 40 years ago. Work sucks! I’ve also had much weirder jobs than you, but you’re young. Your turn will come. (Mwa-ha-ha HAAAaa!)

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