Hot sexy women of HISTORY!

Ada Lovelace- (1815-1852)

I can has All the Hot Computer Science Boys?


Married a Count, and is attributed as being the VERY FIRST COMPUTER PROGRAMMER as her notes on the first early mechanical general purpose computer constituted an algorithm. OH YEAH! did I mention it was the 1800s? YEAH GO FIGURE!

She always asked, “Why aren’t the boys asking for my digit?” No one got the joke.

She studied math to meet a nice boy, just like now a days a guy takes a yoga class to meet chicks. NOT saying I ever did that.

Catherine The Great (1729-1796)

I will have All of the boys please. All of them.

One of the original Playahs, who didn’t have to sleep her way to the top, but damn well did after she made it.

Placed her “former” lover on the throne of Poland, in fact was known throughout her time to take many a lover. Giving many of them lands and slaves, even pensions. (pensions are money she continued to pay her lovers AFTER THEY WERE DONE BONING HER FOREVER) She slept with a LOT of DUDES.  In fact, she’s probably the only case prior to the industrial revolution of “Workplace Sexual Harassment” as she was sleeping with men 40 years younger than her, even up to the day she died. (she died at 67)



I can has all the hot Roman Boys?

So guess who got all the hot Roman boys? yeah, Cleopatra.
She was the mistress of, Hmm… I dont know. Caesar? Maybe you heard of him and this other guy named Marc Antony? Even started a civil war because of it. Hmmm….

Mistress swapping in ancient Rome.

Anyway, apparently Cleopatra was really good at sex to nail two of the top Romans of the ancient world. Caesar even decided NOT to conquer eqypt because of her.
Florence Nightingale (1820-1910)

"The only good thing about war is the hot young boys sent to the infirmary."

Advanced the role of nursing in the medical field. ALSO, she was known as “lady of the lamp” because she made rounds frequently at night… my overweight cousin is called “man of the cafeteria” for the same reason. 
*To clarify she did NOT introduce the role of naughty nurse, that didn’t come out til the halloween costume  industry took hold in the mid 90’s*
Molly Pitcher (1744-til she stopped loading cannons)

"Yeah I'll clean your barrel."

During the heat of the battle with the british, Molly Pictcher saw her husband carried off the field, she immediately took his place at the cannon. For the rest of the day, in the heat of battle, Mary continued to “swab and load
Never did action in battle look so hot. Or maybe it was all the swabbing and loading. Some of the cannoneers were turned off by working alongside a woman until they saw her use the Ramrod.

Theodora Empress of the Byzantine empire (510-548)


"There is nothing that cannot be accomplished without first sleeping with a man."

Truly truly, there has never been another woman to sleep her way from the very bottom to the very tippy tippy top of society.

Her jobs from bottom to top:

Wool spinner, actress, mistress, prostitute, prostitute to the emperor’s son and THEN married to the emperor. (The laws were changed so that a nobleman could marry and actress) PSHAW!

Apparently Wool spinner and actress were just covers for prostituting. In fact every job a woman had in the ancient world was a cover for prostitution. You were a wool spinner by day and a Prostitute by night.

Notable mentions:

Dolly Madison, Genghis Khan’s Wife, Edith Piaf, Katie Couric, Madame Pompadour, Queen Victoria *the one emily blunt played* Queen Isabella, Budica, Shirley McClain, Cindy Crawford and Mary Magdalene.


About MaximumWage

I don't wear shoes. And I habitually reinvent myself, like the wheel.
This entry was posted in Jobs, Life and the American Way and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Hot sexy women of HISTORY!

  1. Katie says:

    This is hilarious. Like a mix between tosh.0 and Bo Burnham–good work! I was laughing so hard.
    I highly suggest you look in to Elizabeth Woodville– she was Queen of England on and off during the War or the Roses and is remembered for being dangerously beautiful. And what about Betty White? Sure, she’s old. But I bet she knows a thing or two if you catch my drift…

  2. challahgirl says:

    How about Ava Gardner or Vivien Leigh?

    I agree with Katie – your work is a very interesting mix of styles and certainly funny! 🙂

  3. wiibii says:

    “There is nothing that cannot be accomplished without first sleeping with a man.”

    ahhaahahahhaahahh! good quote.

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