If we were acquaintances… wait I mean, if we were friends.

If we were acquaintances and you posted something funny on Facebook I’d “like” it. If we were friends, I’d “like” it and compliment you.

If we were acquaintances I’d ask you for a ride to the airport, if we were friends I’d give you a ride to the airport with a chauffeur cap on.

If we were acquaintances I’d still hit on your girlfriend drunk. If we were friends I’d wait 6 months until after you broke up.

If we were acquaintances and you called me to ask me something I’d respond by texting you, if we were friends I’d answer the phone with a, “hey bro whats up?”

If we were acquaintances and you asked me to help you bury a body- WAIT you wouldn’t be doing that because acquaintances don’t ask each other to do illegal stuff. If we were friends and you asked me to help you bury a body, I’d show up with shovels and a tarp.

If we were acquaintances and your car got a flat while you were driving it, I’d probably stay in the car playing angry birds on my iphone while you changed the tire. If we were friends I’d be in the shit with you.

If we were acquaintances and you died I’d probably stare out a window and say, “Eh.” If we were friends I’d go to your funeral, look around the room and say, “Eh, not a bad turnout.” And then proceed to cry my fricking face out.

If we were acquaintances and were in mixed company and you said something funny, I’d probably take the first opportunity to knock your self esteem down. If we were friends I’d try to tell as many people as possible about your funny joke and give you credit.

If we were acquaintances and you hurt yourself I’d offer advice like a dad, “well these things happen,” “No sense in crying over spilled milk.” If we were friends I’d be like the medic from Saving Private Ryan.

If we were acquaintances I’d tell you you had bad dandruff on your shoulder or something between your teeth, if we were friends I wouldn’t say anything about it and we’d still laugh about it years later.