How to make the best verbal comeback


Welcome one and all,

As some of us have witnessed or have experienced, people fight verbally.  Do you find yourself thinking of the perfect comeback long after the argument? Do you find yourself googling “What is the perfect comeback?” Only to realize you might never have the chance to use those witty lines that you memorized?

Well you are in luck today.

With my tips and tricks you should be able to put up a fight and hopefully make it close.

Before getting started, Remember:

1. THE BEST comebacks are delivered with 50% confidence and 50% indifference. Trust me, I’ve made the mistake of thinking, “OH MY GOD! I’m totally gonna get him with this line. POW!” And the line failed to go over. You can’t get too excited. You can’t betray your excitement or emotion. Comebacks are not about words but about attitude. ALSO, the smaller the comeback the better. Try to use as few words as possible.

2. NEVER EVER NEVER, refer to yourself. You’ll only open yourself up for attack. What did Sun Tzu say? “Turn your enemies strengths into their weaknesses.”  <–Do that)

3.NEVER EVER NEVER, resort to threats, this SCREAMS you’ve lost. Threats such as withholding sex or punishment are only asking for your bluff to be called. “Fine I didn’t want to have sex with your Fugly ass anyway.”

3A. Try not to swear, swearing can be insinuated as you getting defensive. Use it sparingly and only to punctuate the idea.

4. If you’re overweight you should expect to be made fun of. If you’re ugly expect a couple low blows to your physical attraction. It boils down to, “People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.” If you can’t handle it goodluck on google.

5. If you have a soft spot hide it, if you are overweight lose the weight. If you’re going bald shave your head. If you have zero confidence do something to gain confidence. The idea is to both harden and thicken your skin as well as giving you something to be proud of.  If you can’t handle it goodluck on google.

5. Remember this: the actual comeback line really doesn’t matter. Not everyone can be witty or deliver the most crushing blow via word smarts. Some of you might not be able to do that, the best you can do is deliver your comebacks with indifference masked by confidence. The person who loses in a verbal sparring match, is the person who SHOWS that they’ve lost. If you disagree with this last statement goodluck on google.

6. As a practice, the next time someone insults you, further their idea and laugh about it. You’ll get in the habit of being impervious to insults.

Marty: Gosh Debbie, you sure are fat!

Debbie: I know right!? Guess its time to give up my dream of being a model.

So now that you’ve mastered the art of appearing indifferent or not caring when someone insults you. Lets move on to some shortcuts.

  • The Agree and Twist.

When you’re verbally sparring with someone, what is the last thing they would expect? FOR YOU TO AGREE WITH THEM! Perfect example:

You see that? He agrees with her, but changes the meaning… This is a very important tool.  Another thing to notice, she’s referring to herself. When your opponent refers to themselves this is always a good moment to jump in with a verbal punch. Example:

Marty: Yeah but when I started working here our sales went up 50%! I know what I’m talking about!

Bob: Yes I remember, that was the same week we started selling douchebags.

 

Its brilliant, you’re implying that Marty is a douche bag AND you’re belittling his accomplishment. Lets see what happens next.

Marty: Oh yeah!? Well at least I don’t spend 4 hours looking at blogs on the internet, I do productive things with my time.
(You see what Marty did there? He kept referring to himself not good, lets see how Bob handles it. Remember Bob will agree on one point and spin it back to Marty. For the exercise bob will respond 2 times.)

Bob:   Response 1. Marty, spending 4 hours on the computer everyday correcting your sales mistakes is all I EVER DO AROUND HERE, cleaning up after you is a full time job.

Response 2. You’re right Marty, I do spend 4 hours looking at blogs, hell I could look at porn for 8 hours and still be more productive than you.

Here is another example via You Tube.

Hopefully you begin to see how the “Agree and Twist” works and implement it everyday, I’ll give more examples later.

  • Suprise Monkey

The premise behind Surprise monkey is that you say something so outlandish that there really isn’t a response, even something certifiably false. Its usually a great way to end an argument and still be friends. Take for example this text message

George: “Dude, the chargers suck, how many superbowls have they won? ZERO – NADA. At least the Raiders have won a superbowl.”

Bob: “Please, the last time the Raiders won a Superbowl was when Black people couldn’t vote, hell your dad hadn’t hit puberty yet.”

The idea is to use objects as comparison… ROBOTS, Animals, other family members and the occasional reference to White supremacists and Hitler. You try to make the reference so outlandish that a quizzical “WHAT?!” usually is the response. Practice it right now, take something that your opponent is good at and run wild with it. Lets say your friend is good at video games and you want to do a little trash talking.

Do giraffes have fingers? Cause I think they’d play better than you?”

“Oh man, do you want me to go get your sister’s vibrator? You might be better on that one.”

“Oh you lost again? kind of like Hitler and Communism.!”

I think you get the idea.

  • Go for the throat

This one should be used sparingly. Remember earlier in the blog where I said to turn your enemies strengths into their weaknesses? Well this is where you turn their weaknesses into jelly. For people you know, use the SURPRISE MONKEY method but don’t hold back or be nice about it. For people you don’t know, you’ll have to use some part of the way they dress or the way they talk or handle themselves. Pick something and go with it, do they have on skinny jeans?

“Wow nice jeans, wish I could wear my sisters clothes too.”

The trick here should be to comb through your enemies weaknesses like an IRS agent doing an audit and find the right button to push.

  • So lets put what we’ve learned into practice, say you’re BOB a semi successful man out at on the town. You approach a beautiful woman at a bar, you share a bit of small talk and then she decides you’re not good enough and wasting her time. She spots a cute guy down the bar checking her out and wants you to scram, She goes from 0-60  and coolly responds with,

“Move on, You’re too ugly for me, I’m done talking.”

Putting together the lessons we’ve learned, lets come up with some replies.

Agree and twist – “That’s a great idea to stop talking, that way men will find you more attractive.”

Surprise monkey – “YOU HAVE HERPES!? WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME THAT!?”

Go for the throat – “I won’t be too ugly for you when I’m fucking your corpse.”

ok, now that you’ve been given the ground work let me actually give you some phrases that will come in handy.

“I remember when I had my first beer.” (usually said when someone is proud of something at your expense, the bonus is that its from the movie Stepbrothers and you’ll undoubtedly gets some laughs from that.)

“Everybody’s got problems!” (Said also when someone is happy about something)

(while your opponent is still trash talking you, look around the room quizzically then utter)

“Are you still talking?” This will inevitably shut them up. If someone uses this line on you, respond with.

“No, because I haven’t put you in time out yet.”

Alright, so that concludes my tips and tricks on making the perfect comeback. If you have questions or comments feel free to leave them below and please vote.


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About MaximumWage

I don't wear shoes. And I habitually reinvent myself, like the wheel.
This entry was posted in Jobs, Life and the American Way and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

34 Responses to How to make the best verbal comeback

  1. IDK, I feel like balding dudes shaving their heads brings even more attention to it. They aren’t fooling me.

  2. BrainRants says:

    This post is epic. You rock. *Bic held up, lit*

  3. JW says:

    If you’re fat, bald, or whatever, and somebody tosses the obvious shot at you, you’ve won. Making a fat joke at a fat guy is simply harvesting the low-hanging fruit in the insult vineyard. Seriously, it screams “I don’t have much, but my dim-wit Bud Light drinker buddies think I’m the shit.”

    If you can’t verbally destroy that guy, go back to the lower rungs of the “Yo Mama” minor-leagues. And stay there.

    • MaximumWage says:

      Well, but what if they toss out a really clever insult about you being fat, bald or whatever? That might hurt. it might sting a little. I guess what it comes down to is know what you’re getting into and have thick skin.

    • MaximumWage says:

      I hang out with a lot of Improvisers who are pretty up there as far as clever is concerned, so I’m constantly being challenged by wordsmiths.

  4. Tess Kann says:

    I would never have thought of anything you’ve mentioned. Interesting analysis, though.

  5. mrasherkade says:

    I will DEFINATELY use these to my advantage. I have the worst coworkers with the worst potty mouths and insults ever….

  6. Desi holmes says:

    Hi my name is Desi. A lot of people make fun of me because I’m Filipino. But mostly guys. Anyways I recently got a text message from one of my “guy friends” I guess you can say, and he said I ate his dog, to give back, yatta yatta… And instead of doing what you said. I actually called a douchebag told him to stop making fun of me. Like if he’s going to keep making fun of me, just don’t talk to me. And he like said sorry and stuff. This guy I’m talking about… He’s really stupid. He’s comebacks are like stupid and stuff. And idiotic, but sometimes I feel stuck. Just help me out.

    • MaximumWage says:

      Well the good news is that he sent you that via text so you have plenty of time to think and craft a great response. As I said in my blog post calling people names or losing your temper just incites people. Its best to play it cool. Use what you know about this guy. Say for example his favorite food is a BigMac from mcdonalds you could say, “I don’t eat dog, but its probably better than that crap you eat all the time.” IF he persists in attacking you try to find a sensitive issue and put a knife in it. His most sensitive issue will be the one he gets most defensive about.

  7. Mclav says:

    Make another blog on this same thing just with more “techniques”! I wanna read more, spread your witty knowledge, I thought this was great

    • MaximumWage says:

      Thanks for the compliment!

      There are probably a couple more techniques I could write about (similar to the agree and twist) Unfortunately it would be 2 and if I remember correctly it wouldn’t be a very long post.

      Thanks again.

  8. Shelliey hoffman says:

    how do you know all this stuff are the bullied?

    • MaximumWage says:

      I do not understand what you are asking me? I think you a word

      • Shelliey hoffman says:

        where you bullied and is that how you know what to say or are you a bystander or are you the bully?

      • MaximumWage says:

        Most of my experience comes from good old fashioned getting verbally destroyed. As well as taking years and years of improv. Training my brain to think on its feet has its advantaged when trying to make a perfect comeback.

  9. I liked this one. especially the part about the 50% indifference. Its spot on. You gotta keep your cool, and than rip out with something nasty. I’m usually pretty good at come backs myself. What gets in my way is when I’m not out to destroy someone. Then I gotta rein it in and it gets hard. Still, with a little more practice, I’m sure I’ll get there.

  10. List of X says:

    Some really helpful stuff here. I’ve used a lot of these techniques, but I’ve never thought of classifying them. Good job!

  11. holycrap! says:

    what if the guy is just to stupid to comprehend one of your more subtle comebacks? As far as I see, that makes for a cumbeeersome situation for you.

    • MaximumWage says:

      No,

      Some guys will get it immediately and some will get it hours even days afterwards. besides if they don’t get it, its an appropriate time to walk them through the insult, which makes you look FAR superior.

  12. YourMom says:

    what do you say when someone says you look better with a mask on.?

    • MaximumWage says:

      I’d cut my losses, I’d either say, “Its too bad they don’t have a mask big enough for your face..{Pause for effect] otherwise I’d recommend it for you too.” OR I’d laugh and say “SO DO YOU!”

    • Sonny says:

      If it’s a guy just tell him that his rudeness is the other half of the reason women don’t want to have anything to do with him… If it’s a gal then just let her know that you can remove half of her looks with just a tissue….

    • Rock Bottom says:

      You could say, “My plan is to get one… (Pause for effect), but it’ll be for you.” Or you could say, “I’d get a mask that looks like you so when people say I’m ugly, I’ll know why.”

  13. Lucks says:

    what would be a good comeback to someone from the evening class (last class of the day) talking to someone from the morning class and saying “There is a reason why they save the best for last…”?

  14. Marc says:

    The best comeback I’ve ever heard is: look at the persons mouth with mock concern and say: “umm, do you need a tissue? Sorry but you still have some bullshit left on your lips”. Then laugh your head off and walk away!

  15. Rock Bottom says:

    If someone’s is skinny and bullying you you could grab their ankle and be like,” You’re so skinny, I don’t want you to blow away.” Then you could let go of their ankle and say, “Wait a minute, everyone does.”

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