As some of us have witnessed or have experienced, people fight verbally. Do you find yourself thinking of the perfect comeback long after the argument? Do you find yourself googling “What is the perfect comeback?” Only to realize you might never have the chance to use those witty lines that you memorized?
Well you are in luck today.
With my tips and tricks you should be able to put up a fight and hopefully make it close.
Before getting started, Remember:
1. THE BEST comebacks are delivered with 50% confidence and 50% indifference. Trust me, I’ve made the mistake of thinking, “OH MY GOD! I’m totally gonna get him with this line. POW!” And the line failed to go over. You can’t get too excited. You can’t betray your excitement or emotion. Comebacks are not about words but about attitude. ALSO, the smaller the comeback the better. Try to use as few words as possible.
2. NEVER EVER NEVER, refer to yourself. You’ll only open yourself up for attack. What did Sun Tzu say? “Turn your enemies strengths into their weaknesses.” <–Do that)
3.NEVER EVER NEVER, resort to threats, this SCREAMS you’ve lost. Threats such as withholding sex or punishment are only asking for your bluff to be called. “Fine I didn’t want to have sex with your Fugly ass anyway.”
3A. Try not to swear, swearing can be insinuated as you getting defensive. Use it sparingly and only to punctuate the idea.
4. If you’re overweight you should expect to be made fun of. If you’re ugly expect a couple low blows to your physical attraction. It boils down to, “People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.” If you can’t handle it goodluck on google.
5. If you have a soft spot hide it, if you are overweight lose the weight. If you’re going bald shave your head. If you have zero confidence do something to gain confidence. The idea is to both harden and thicken your skin as well as giving you something to be proud of. If you can’t handle it goodluck on google.
5. Remember this: the actual comeback line really doesn’t matter. Not everyone can be witty or deliver the most crushing blow via word smarts. Some of you might not be able to do that, the best you can do is deliver your comebacks with indifference masked by confidence. The person who loses in a verbal sparring match, is the person who SHOWS that they’ve lost. If you disagree with this last statement goodluck on google.
6. As a practice, the next time someone insults you, further their idea and laugh about it. You’ll get in the habit of being impervious to insults.
Marty: Gosh Debbie, you sure are fat!
Debbie: I know right!? Guess its time to give up my dream of being a model.
So now that you’ve mastered the art of appearing indifferent or not caring when someone insults you. Lets move on to some shortcuts.
- The Agree and Twist.
When you’re verbally sparring with someone, what is the last thing they would expect? FOR YOU TO AGREE WITH THEM! Perfect example:
You see that? He agrees with her, but changes the meaning… This is a very important tool. Another thing to notice, she’s referring to herself. When your opponent refers to themselves this is always a good moment to jump in with a verbal punch. Example:
Marty: Yeah but when I started working here our sales went up 50%! I know what I’m talking about!
Bob: Yes I remember, that was the same week we started selling douchebags.
Its brilliant, you’re implying that Marty is a douche bag AND you’re belittling his accomplishment. Lets see what happens next.
Marty: Oh yeah!? Well at least I don’t spend 4 hours looking at blogs on the internet, I do productive things with my time.
(You see what Marty did there? He kept referring to himself not good, lets see how Bob handles it. Remember Bob will agree on one point and spin it back to Marty. For the exercise bob will respond 2 times.)
Bob: Response 1. Marty, spending 4 hours on the computer everyday correcting your sales mistakes is all I EVER DO AROUND HERE, cleaning up after you is a full time job.
Response 2. You’re right Marty, I do spend 4 hours looking at blogs, hell I could look at porn for 8 hours and still be more productive than you.
Hopefully you begin to see how the “Agree and Twist” works and implement it everyday, I’ll give more examples later.
- Suprise Monkey
The premise behind Surprise monkey is that you say something so outlandish that there really isn’t a response, even something certifiably false. Its usually a great way to end an argument and still be friends. Take for example this text message
George: “Dude, the chargers suck, how many superbowls have they won? ZERO – NADA. At least the Raiders have won a superbowl.”
Bob: “Please, the last time the Raiders won a Superbowl was when Black people couldn’t vote, hell your dad hadn’t hit puberty yet.”
The idea is to use objects as comparison… ROBOTS, Animals, other family members and the occasional reference to White supremacists and Hitler. You try to make the reference so outlandish that a quizzical “WHAT?!” usually is the response. Practice it right now, take something that your opponent is good at and run wild with it. Lets say your friend is good at video games and you want to do a little trash talking.
“Do giraffes have fingers? Cause I think they’d play better than you?”
“Oh man, do you want me to go get your sister’s vibrator? You might be better on that one.”
“Oh you lost again? kind of like Hitler and Communism.!”
I think you get the idea.
- Go for the throat
This one should be used sparingly. Remember earlier in the blog where I said to turn your enemies strengths into their weaknesses? Well this is where you turn their weaknesses into jelly. For people you know, use the SURPRISE MONKEY method but don’t hold back or be nice about it. For people you don’t know, you’ll have to use some part of the way they dress or the way they talk or handle themselves. Pick something and go with it, do they have on skinny jeans?
“Wow nice jeans, wish I could wear my sisters clothes too.”
The trick here should be to comb through your enemies weaknesses like an IRS agent doing an audit and find the right button to push.
- So lets put what we’ve learned into practice, say you’re BOB a semi successful man out at on the town. You approach a beautiful woman at a bar, you share a bit of small talk and then she decides you’re not good enough and wasting her time. She spots a cute guy down the bar checking her out and wants you to scram, She goes from 0-60 and coolly responds with,
“Move on, You’re too ugly for me, I’m done talking.”
Putting together the lessons we’ve learned, lets come up with some replies.
Agree and twist – “That’s a great idea to stop talking, that way men will find you more attractive.”
Surprise monkey – “YOU HAVE HERPES!? WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME THAT!?”
Go for the throat – “I won’t be too ugly for you when I’m fucking your corpse.”
ok, now that you’ve been given the ground work let me actually give you some phrases that will come in handy.
“I remember when I had my first beer.” (usually said when someone is proud of something at your expense, the bonus is that its from the movie Stepbrothers and you’ll undoubtedly gets some laughs from that.)
“Everybody’s got problems!” (Said also when someone is happy about something)
(while your opponent is still trash talking you, look around the room quizzically then utter)
“Are you still talking?” This will inevitably shut them up. If someone uses this line on you, respond with.
“No, because I haven’t put you in time out yet.”
Alright, so that concludes my tips and tricks on making the perfect comeback. If you have questions or comments feel free to leave them below and please vote.