Hey everyone here are some free Twitter/Facbook statuses that I haven’t used so feel free use them and impress all your friends with all of your funny observations. I don’t ask for credit.. seriously. None.
1. Halloween, the only holiday where straight men won’t be judged for wearing makeup.
2. Human beings were never meant to have wings #poopsaretoobig
3. If a cop car pulled me over and a clown got out I would never speed again.
4. Do horses get turned on by whips as much as I do?
5. Candy canes are shaped like hooks because that’s the way the baby unicorns poop them.
6. Wind breakers are
Stupid loud, they don’t break the wind. They just tell everyone I’m wearing a flag.
7. Electro-shock therapy, when all else fails just electrocute the brain.
8. The first guy to ride a bike probably forgot that the roads weren’t paved.
9. I couldn’t ever time travel, I’d be too afraid my mom would get the hots for me. (BACK TO THE FUTURE!)
10. If you want to confuse someone, walk up to them and start the conversation in the middle.
11. Just got off the phone with the president, apparently he doesn’t want me calling him anymore.