Just so everyone knows I originally wrote this in June (yeah I don’t know why I did that) Anyway just thought I’d re-release it as its topical for this time of year. Enjoy.
So I was walking out of my apartment complex and I started talking to the US postal service lady who services our building. (Yes I said serviced) I asked where the letters to Santa claus go and apparently there are some very kind people who take the time to answer them. After spending the weekend following leads I came across a bag, and in it were some letters.
So here are some of those letters, left unanswered for a long time and only found recently. Enjoy. PS I will not say how I came about them, other than to say I followed leads.
Dear Mein Fuhrer Santa,
I vood really liken zee Hauptsturmfuhrer doll. It iz zee greatest doll in all ze vorld! Also, Meine papa he is kaput recently and I really miss him, meine momma is very very krankenstuffer . Please machen her feel better. I leave you vis two strudel unt a glass of milch. Please enjoy!
PS. If you cannot get for me eine hauptsturmfuhrer doll I can zettle for a nice art zet. DANKE!
Dear Oppressive capitalist consumer idol,
I hope you die a horrible death spreading your capitalist propaganda to children.
All my love,
PS. Nice beard.
To my dearest Father Christmas,
Mother has been on me recently to accept the proposal of my ninth suitor. I’m only 15! All I want to focus on is my writing. I’m currently working on a novel entitled “Pride and Prejudice.” It’s going to be my masterpiece; it is completely fathomable that citizens of the future will be reading this book, eons from now. Please Father Christmas, tell my mother to busy herself with marrying someone else off, namely my cousin Emma, she is rather quaint and prudish. That is all I ask.
Post Scriptum, If you have a piano Forte lying around I wouldn’t mind you dropping it off, It would go ever so well in the reading room.
I mean I’m not sure you’re there. Let me explain…. I’m Jewish. I don’t believe in Santa Claus. PERIOD. Which brings me to your next question, why would I be writing to you? Yes, see here’s the thing. I want to make movies. And since I’m a kid and my parents won’t give me a…… SUPER 8 CAMERA FOR HANNUKAH! I THOUGHT I’D TRY THIS ROUTE! I HOPE YOURE READING THIS MOM! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO BE A CHRISTIAN!? I BET THEN SANTA WOULD GET ME A SUPER 8 CAMERA!?
Yeah so anyway, If you can’t get it I understand.
PS Whatever you do, please don’t get Mike O’Malley a slingshot for Christmas, he’s a bully.
I would like an axe for Christmas, I promise to only use it for good. That is all.
Post script, Oh I almost forgot! Please kill all the dirty heathen savages in Virginia.