Relationship Advice From Your Old Pal Moses.

Guys, if your lady friend ever asks you, “Do these jeans make me look fat?” The correct response is, “Hey I’ll go home and pack my stuff, it was nice being your boyfriend.”

Let’s be honest, the FRIEND ZONE implies movable borders and even something you can get out of. Its really a FRIEND PRISON.

Ladies, you CAN find true love. All you have to do is be a princess, wish upon a star, lose your glass slipper and or have really shitty step relatives… At least that’s what DISNEY wants you to believe.

Guys, if you ever ask a woman to marry you, make sure its NEVER over text message. You will never live that one down.

They say “half of all marriages end in divorce” when really its, “half of all marriages end in freedom.”

Ladies, every male friendship is a bromance, some are just more intimate than others.

Ladies, there is only one hint that a guy will understand when you want him to notice you. “Lets go have sex.” Guys were programmed to NEVER understand hints, that way we keep trying and EVENTUALLY one of you will love us.

The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but with a woman its… its… Um… chocolate? yeah, chocolate? and um… confidence.. NONE of which I’m showing in this paragraph.

Guys, falling in love with a woman is like a playing a 2 player cooperative video game. You have to beat the levels with your partner at the SAME TIME! What woman wants to hear, “Hey! Look how fast I can fall in love with you!?” That’s intimidating and even a little creepy.

We’ve heard it said, “You should be best friends before you get married.” Never forget, “man’s best friend is a dog, and diamonds are a girls best friend.” NEVER FORGET THAT.

Its been said, “Never put your dick in crazy or never let crazy put his dick in you.” How about don’t date crazy people or have sex with them. That’s smart advice right?

Ladies A good rule of thumb: If you’re out on a first date really like the guy and maybe even a little horny, ONLY prostitutes have sex on the first date.

Also, if you have to get an STD might as well be a prostitute and get paid for it. Also, Prostitution is illegal. JUST in case you forgot.

That’s all. Now go find someone to love and love you in return.


About MaximumWage

I don't wear shoes. And I habitually reinvent myself, like the wheel.
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11 Responses to Relationship Advice From Your Old Pal Moses.

  1. Great post..spoken like a true man :). Happy week end.

  2. Myxl Dove says:

    LOL @ Friend Prison! I know a lot of people who’ve been there. (I might even have a few people I’ve put there) 😛

  3. BrainRants says:

    I got nothing right now, but I should have about a book’s worth of response…

  4. Shucks. You burst my bubble. I’m all confused NOW.

  5. Pingback: Relationship Advice From Your Old Pal Moses. | Maximum Wage : : Relationship Advice – Free

  6. I’m breaking multiple rules tonight starting w dick in crazy hahaha

  7. I was gonna comment about all your witty remarks on this post…but then I realized damn. The overalls really can do all the listening, at least for now. Good pic that you selected. Real good.

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