My Drinking Story about the Gay Confederate


Yes, you did read that correctly.

I have a bunch of stories about drinking and being in different towns and what not, but one of the more memorable times happened on a “Haunted pub crawl ” in Savannah Georgia.

I will preface by saying I normally tell this story at a bar drinking with friends, and as such it is better told in person and promise to do it justice for the sake of trying to be a popular blog.

One of my friends found out about this Haunted Pub Crawl in Savannah Georgia while we were there on business. So we buy our tickets and head over to the first pub and buy some drinks waiting for the tour to start. We’re minding our own business when in walks this Confederate soldier in period garb. He walks into the middle of the bar and exclaims in a very southern/effeminate accent, “Howdy Ya’ll, I’m your tour guide and If you’re here for the haunted pub crawl please give me your tickets now.”

Well that did it. I’ve seen and had the pleasure of meeting quite a few gay men in my existence, (Insert joke here) even a few flamboyantly gay men, but this guy was at an 11 on the fabulous scale. Seeing the confederate uniform and enough sassy personality to fill a large float at the pride parade, definitely wrinkled my brain. We paid for our drinks, handed in our tickets and the pub crawl was off with a bang.

At the first stop we listened to the stories of this person killing themselves and that person haunting this pub for who knows what reason. It was interesting stuff until our tour guide blurted out, “over there was where two confederate soldiers bodies were found dead.” Behind me one of my friends muttered under his breath, “Probably from all the blowjobs they were giving.” A few giggles from people we didn’t know and the gay confederate jokes WERE ON!

“Oh my gosh you guys, did you see what Robert E Lee was wearing, That belt buckle! ugh!” I said in my most perfect impersonation of a gay confederate.

“Guys we should have a really nice cotillion after the war!” Said a friend of mine.

“Gettysburg…. Hated it!”

Peels of laughter filled the air after our third stop. (Which involved more beer and more shots as well.)

“Do him, date him or dump him, Abraham Lincoln, Jefferson Davis and John Wilkes Booth” “DUH! DUMP Abraham Lincoln, he’s a Northerner!” EASY!

“I only buy the hottest MALE slaves for MY PLANTATION!”

“Why did the south lose the war? Because they ran out of gunpowder…. and by gunpowder I mean lube.”

Anyway. I think you get the idea. The best part of the night was the finale when we were led down to this scary basement, had a scary story told to us and then some one jumped out screaming and scared the bejeezus out of everyone. I MIGHT HAVE Screamed like a little girl. I don’t remember that part too well AS I WAS DRUNK.

I really wish I could tell you more of the jokes but they got a lot dirtier and had more to do with loading guns and ramrods. And to everyone I offended I’m sorry.

Moses.

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About MaximumWage

I don't wear shoes. And I habitually reinvent myself, like the wheel.
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11 Responses to My Drinking Story about the Gay Confederate

  1. BrainRants says:

    “an 11 on the fabulous scale” just made me lose it. Awesome! I now have something to do in Savannah – drunken haunted pub crawling. Gay optional.

  2. benzeknees says:

    I was not impressed with your gay joke bashing – drunk or not. Being drunk only loosens our inhibitions, it doesn’t create whole new prejudices. You may have thought it was funny, but I wonder how your guide felt?

    • MaximumWage says:

      When I first read your comment I thought of this photo. But then I realized you’re probably right that as the night progressed I’m sure the guide might have heard some of our comments, but I hope he understood that we were making fun of the absurdity of the situation presented. “Wait a minute their were gay men who served in the confederate army.” “If Gay men served in the confederate army what historically true but funny things would they have said?” Whether its a black guy at a KKK meeting or a white guy being a minority at a walmart (Which happened to me) Their are funny absurd situations that have nothing to do with prejudice or as you put it “gay joke bashing” that have everything to do circumstances.

  3. Alrighty then. Ha ha ha.

  4. ysobele says:

    hey! you did say you’re sorry for every one you’ve offended.. Its ok I forgive you…
    .
    ..

    sshhh…. do you still have any of those loading guns and ramrods jokes somewhere hidden? (i’m saying this in the tini tiniest voice … hehehe)

  5. wvfarm2u says:

    One of the best meals I ever had was in a gay bar in Savannah. Came to the city on business and our local host suggested it, asking if we would be uncomfortable. This was in 1978 way before I really realized how many of my friends are gay, but it was a no brainer to me. People are people. I don’t imagine what bedroom antics any of my heterosexual friends have..why would I bother worrying about homosexuals?

    • MaximumWage says:

      Yeah I had such a good time on this particular trip me and the buds went back a couple days later. ended up going to Lady sons (Paula Deens) Restaurant which was all kinds of delicious. There is something about the South And FOOD that just goes so well together.

  6. kevin says:

    Fun story (:
    The fabulous man in the CSA uniform sounds awesome, I would have befriended him 😀 I’m also an extremely flamboyant man with a fun personality, AND I am also a big Confederate, haha (: I even have a CSA uniform in my house!

    And yes, there were gay Confederate and Yankee soldiers, to anyone who was wondering. People are just too conservative to talk about it these days, but there were. I’ve read books on it! And to anyone who doubts me, just look up Confederate general Patrick Cleyburne. He was known for “courting” captains in the Army of Tennessee.

    Take care now ya’ hear! (:

  7. Bud says:

    “I only buy the hottest MALE slaves for MY PLANTATION!”
    Good thing gays are exempt from being called racist. If a straight white man – or woman joked about that, they would be arrested, convicted without trial and ordered to pay restitution to those they offended.
    That’s what one gets for not being a federally protected species.

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