How To Survive a FIGHT

Just a few things to remember, in the event you find yourself in a fight.


  1. Be sure to watch lots of UFC fights on TV and the movie the Karate kid.  Using your advanced mimicry skills, copy what they do. EXCEPT when they lose.
  2. Work out A LOT. Nothing like showing up to a gun fight with a knife so to speak.
  3. Be prepared to fight to the death
  4. Never get into a situation where #3 applies
  5. Make friends with people who would be an asset to your backup team, football players, ninjas and bouncers.
  6. DON’T fight ex-military, DO fight drunk belligerent people.
  7. If you can avoid a fight, do so… And make sure both parties don’t lose face over it.
  8. Screaming at your opponent while your friends hold you back looks really good, make sure to ask them too, “Hold me back, I’m getting mad!”

During the fight:

  1. Never Give up…. NEVER.
  2. Attack the vital areas such as the neck, arteries, groin, brain, coccyx and that place on your thigh right above your knee that kind of tickles but feels weird when squeezed.
  3. Never play dead, that only works for animals.
  4. Don’t be afraid to sacrifice your stunning good looks for a tactical advantage.
  5.  What would Jesus NOT do??? Then do that.
  6. Remember that fighting fair is for legally sanctioned fights, so be sure to fight like no one is watching.
  7. Wear comfortable clothes, a suit and tie should be worn to a job interview but not to a street fight. NOTE: Don’t wear too comfortable clothes, you don’t want to fall victim to a pantsing.

After the fight:

  1. Call your mom and tell her you’re a man now.
  2. Post on Facebook gritty details BUT NO photos in case the cops are after you.
  3. If you lose, no whining, crying or screaming.
  4.  Taunting should be done AFTER the fight not before.
  5. DON’T Check to make sure your opponent is ok, it could be a ruse.
  6. If you’re injured seek immediate medical help, I’ve heard stories about people dying from 1 punch to the head.

Notice the title says SURVIVE… I never said you’d win.


About MaximumWage

I don't wear shoes. And I habitually reinvent myself, like the wheel.
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3 Responses to How To Survive a FIGHT

  1. Dave says:

    I’d suggest boxing over UFC. That guy on the left in the picture is the boxer Nikolay Valuev, who has been beaten by boxers, but would probably be impossible to defeat in an MMA-type event because his frame is too large for the average-sized person to effectively establish any kind of holds.

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