If I Ever Have Kids…

I don’t have any children but a post from a reader got me thinking…

1. If I ever have kids, I’ll convince them that the ice cream truck only plays music when it runs out of ice cream.

2. I’ll convert to the denomination Jehovah’s Witness. (they don’t celebrate holidays like Christmas or birthdays), THERE BY saving hundreds if not thousands of dollars on birthdays presents, Halloween costumes and Christmas gifts. OH! and when the last one turns 18 I’ll stop being a Jehovah’s Witness. WOW that’s kind of cheap actually.

3. Institute a change in the rules of Santa Claus. Every Christmas, Santa Claus comes and steals one of your old presents and exchanges it for a new one. Thereby eliminating clutter and other stupid noise making gifts that relatives might have given my child.

4. Video games are fine but I want those skills to translate into real life experience. If they play baseball video games I’ll sign them up for little league, if they play games with zombies. I’ll hire an actor to terrorize them while they sleep.

5. When my children begin to learn about drinking, alcohol, sex, social interaction, and high school in general. One simple rule applies, “You embarrass or disappoint me, I’ll embarrass or disappoint you.” I have no problem picking you up from school in daisy dukes and a cut off t-shirt.

6. Love is important. Even after all of the bullshit I’ll put them through, they need to know that they are loved. At least in a way that lets them know if they kill people in a serialized manner, I’ll still love them but I wont like it that I love them.

7. I don’t like bullies, of course I won’t bully them into showing them that they’re wrong. I’ll find the kid they’re bullying and give them all the information they need to take down my child.

8. Have you ever heard of what Spartan children had to go through? Well I won’t do that. That’s Illegal.


About MaximumWage

I don't wear shoes. And I habitually reinvent myself, like the wheel.
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3 Responses to If I Ever Have Kids…

  1. TearLily says:

    I’m kind of happy I will never be your kid….Actually a lot happy. o.0

    But wait if you don’t celebrate Christmas how can you tell them Santa Claus takes toys away and gives you a new one?

    • MaximumWage says:

      Umm.. lets be honest I’m not that mean. I’m quite nice actually. And I guess my answer is that I certainly wont forgo the experience of santa claus for my children because of how cheap I am.

      • TearLily says:

        awwww That sounds much better! But the question then is…what kind of presents would they be getting? Plus I understand why you’d say you’d be a cheap parent. Who wouldn’t? Kids are on average maybe $10k a year and it just keeps going up as they grow up.

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