Lifepro Tips For The Forever Alone

How many of you are lonely? How many of you need some guidance on being a Forever Alone? How many of you need some help dealing with the fact that  people will find your corpse weeks after you’ve died smelling to high heaven surrounded by your myriad of cats and collection of toys from your childhood and an open chat window from your mother on Facebook asking why you haven’t returned her calls.

Do I have that right?

Well I’m here to help. Here are some tips to save money, your sanity and your self esteem.

1.To keep your sanity get a dog…

A dog will always love you, a dog will motivate you to get out doors and exercise. A dog may or may not allow you to meet other dog lovers at the park. Dog food and the occasional vet trip is a small price to pay for someone who will love you unconditionally.

2.Do you like coffee? Get rid of your coffee pot and get a Keurig.

Want to have a nice cup of Joe without wasting a whole pot of coffee? Keurig is the way to go.

3. You like to go swimming, or go to the beach right? Don’t want to get sunburned!

Buy both of these types of sunscreen:

And apply in this manner:

Notice that the expensive sunscreen is used for those hard to reach areas. It’ll save you money in the long run.


Put a nice wad of paper in your front door after leaving. If you come back and notice its on the ground grab your weapon and do room to room checks.


4. Play video games, you can trash talk and find an avenue and outlet for your frustration. DO NOT play the sims or 2nd life. These games mirror reality and you can get too caught up in them.

5. Write a blog.

6. Workout, buy some weights and go to a park and workout. Its cheap and easy you can also let your dog watch.

7. Don’t ever drink alone… Just don’t…


8. Portion control…Portion control. Grab a nice and neat small bowl. put all of your cooked food in the bowl. Anything left over put in a container for use later. No sense in getting fat.


9. Go out and buy a cheap blue tooth. Wear it while you’re driving, not for safety but to talk to yourself in your car as way to get through your inhibitions and self consciousness. Forming arguments, ideas and beliefs if you want as well. Doing this will make onlookers believe you’re talking to someone on your phone and not to yourself.. because talking to yourself is CRAZY!

The Best Part

Walk around naked or in your undies in your house/apartment, blast your favorite music, watch your favorite programs. Take care of your relationship with you.


About MaximumWage

I don't wear shoes. And I habitually reinvent myself, like the wheel.
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2 Responses to Lifepro Tips For The Forever Alone

  1. I like this post best of all of all I’ve been able to read here since 2011.

  2. J-Dub says:

    You had me until “don’t drink alone.” That’s just crazy talk.

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