You’re at home with family and its thanksgiving. You know at some point everyone at the table is going to get drunk. MIGHT AS WELL BE YOU RIGHT? I MEAN AM I RIGHT?
Well maybe your family isn’t like mine, and you want to get a nice discreet raging drink fest on thanksgiving.
I’m here to help.
Things you’ll need:
- Hard Alcohol (discreet)
- Wine (only if you come from Italian or French ancestry)
- A cell phone
If you have to travel by car, boat or plane longer than 1 hour to your thanksgiving destination, take a shot before the ride.
If you’re having thanksgiving with 2 generations of your family, take a drink.
- 3 generations: take 2 drinks
- 4 generations: take 3 drinks and a shot of hard alcohol.
- 5+ generations: down a whole bottle of wine, 2 shots of alcohol, rob a liquor store and start smoking cigarettes because your genes are great and you’ll live to be 120.
For every person present who isn’t with their own family, boyfriend/girlfriend friends etc. you know, people not related to you in anyway – take a drink.
During The Day:
(NO EXCEPTIONS: If the first thanksgiving or native Americans/puritans are brought up during the day you must confuse the Puritans with the Amish. Even when facts are cited you must refuse to acknowledge the reality of the puritans. IT WAS THE AMISH AND THE INDIANS! THAT’S WHAT YOU HEARD!)
If you are standing and you see a turkey or the word turkey is mentioned by anyone in your family take a drink. (Sitting is the safety zone.)
If anyone of your extended family says anything racist do your best minority impression on the spot and take a drink.
If anyone of your extended family says anything political, take a drink.
If they say anything political AND racist take two drinks and go into the nearest bathroom and punch yourself in the procreative area.
If anyone texts or calls to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving take a drink.
- If football is on the tv, take a drink
- If Lifetime is on the tv, take 2 drinks
- If its a children’s show, take 3 drinks and a shot.
At The Dinner Table
If anyone asks about you, or you’re encouraged to speak, take a drink before speaking.
If the fattest person in the room mentions dessert finish your beer.
If at any point an argument breaks out and yelling occurs you have to “accidentally” spill your beer. It is your duty to make sure no one argues.