Looking For Free and Slightly Used Heroin Needles? Try New Jersey.


Newjerseyblows

I recently took a family trip to a New Jersey town that rhymes with “spewark.”

Why did we take this family trip? The reasons are long, but suffice it to say I was exposed to the greatest New Jersey has to offer. Honestly, I sat in the car and wrote these down as we passed by smoke stack, abandoned factory and every post apocalyptic landscape imaginable. If you’ve never been to New Jersey, don’t go. If you’ve ever been to New Jersey you know my pain. If you’re from New Jersey you must explain yourself.

  • New Jersey isn’t ready for the Apocalypse, they’ve BEEN ready.
  • If Louisiana is the armpit of the USA, New Jersey is the ash tray.
  • Anything nice you could ever say about New Jersey could also be misconstrued as sarcasm.
  • If New Jersey was a person, it would be a slightly balding 40 year old guy with a large gut, thrice divorced, halfway through a 24 pack of beer whose name is Sal.
  • Hurricane Sandy was just trying to clean up New Jersey. (Too Soon?)
  • Fill in the blank. If Detroit was a state, it would be called ___________.
  • The Difference between Afghanistan and New Jersey is that 30 years of civil war, multiple invasions, buried mines everywhere and Islamic Fundamentalism are excuses for looking like a shit hole.
  • The nicest parts of New Jersey are the parts that touch other states.
  • If Oklahoma looks like a butcher knife and Michigan looks like an oven mitt. New Jersey looks like a giant turd.
  • Imagine a place where both God and the devil said in unison, “Yeah no thanks, I’ll pass.”
  • If the the land of Oz is somewhere over a rainbow. New Jersey is somewhere over belching factory smoke.

 

  • The state motto is: “New Jersey the acne of states.”
  • The state bird is: “A dead one floating down the Delaware.”
  • The state seal reads: “Forget about it.”
  • The State Flower is: “Atropa Belladona”
  • The State Anthem is: “Friday” by Rebecca Black.

I was thinking about putting a Jersey Shore Joke on here but I think most of you are expecting it. So I removed it.

Enjoy your life if you DON’T live in New Jersey.

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About MaximumWage

I don't wear shoes. And I habitually reinvent myself, like the wheel.
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15 Responses to Looking For Free and Slightly Used Heroin Needles? Try New Jersey.

  1. Storkhunter says:

    Never been to New Jersey, but with that anthem, I’m never going there.

  2. ridicuryder says:

    Max,

    Shit Holes are the Planets little Obstacle Courses.

    Apocalypse can also be a Shifting Global Awareness without all the Hollywood Scarring Effects.

    The Jersey Shore thing………………yeah okay, let’s roast it.

    RR

  3. fissionerror says:

    Ouch. Accurate, if you never leave the turnpike.

    • MaximumWage says:

      RIGHT!? Its too bad the Turnpike isnt free.

      • fissionerror says:

        As I was born and raise in NJ I feel like I ought to defend it. But as I’ve spent the last decade in PA, I feel like I’m a traitor and have no right…?

      • fissionerror says:

        raised. born and RAISED. I’m educated. I promise.

      • MaximumWage says:

        You left off the “D” no biggie. I’ll be able to live. As for your defense of New Jersey go for it. I’m honestly thinking it has something to do with the factory jobs of the 20’s and 30’s disappearing in the 70’s and 80’s. I mean New Jersey had a boom period somewhere.

      • fissionerror says:

        Back in the asbestos halcyon days of John’s Manville… Wait. Maybe that isn’t making my argument.

        The Turnpike and the interstate highways are unfortunately the only parts visitors and those passing through see. For me New Jersey was county roads where there was always a risk of getting hit by a deer (yes, half the time they hit you). Using highways only when the weather was bad and you knew the back roads wouldn’t be cleared yet. It was the farm stand we’d stop at on fall afternoons on the way home from school to get the BEST fresh corn and tomatoes for dinner. Picking apples and pumpkins at Delicious Orchards, and apple cider donuts. Knowing the most scenic route to Hot Dog Johnny’s or Stewart’s Root Beer on a summer afternoon. Knowing where in Trenton had the best tomato pie or chicken wings, what time Halo Pub opened/closed, or which Amish market had the best soft pretzels. The best diners you’ve ever eaten at. Trying to explain Grease Trucks (and how it’s the only reason to go to New Brunswick, because all Rutgers parties are BORING).

        It was knowing where you could go camping that had the best river tubing. Which parks and reservoirs had so many hiking trails it would take you a week to see them all. Places you could trail ride horses. Places from Weird NJ you could explore without getting in trouble with the cops. It was the most awesome concert venue (RIP, Birch Hill) and amazing local bands, adventures to Red Bank and Wildwood out of season. School trips to 6 Flags for ‘physics day’ or the Point Pleasant aquarium were loosely educational outings. Going to the beach after the prom even though the water is freezing. Getting lost in the Pine Barrens when suddenly the road becomes a sand trap. Hitting 3 malls in a five mile radius, and never having to pump your own gas.

        It was getting out before you slipped into TAWKING instead of talking, and avoiding walking like Peggy Bundy/A T-Rex, or the guy from the fitness commercials who picks-things-up-and-puts-them-down. Realizing there’s more to the state than EWR, The Prudential Center, and the industrial wasteland that’s everything north of exit 12. Knowing that Central Jersey exists. Nothing is ever close by, and ‘walking distance’ is a joke. Knowing that even though Bruce Springsteen is NJ’s favorite son (Bon Jovi you calm your ass down), most of his songs are about GETTING THE FUCK OUT.

        But it was also being near enough to Philadelphia and New York City that it was easy to leave.
        This is pretty accurate:
        http://youknowyourefromnjwhen.tumblr.com/image/13833728193

      • MaximumWage says:

        Well well well. All I gotta say is WOW what you’re describing is by far some place I would love to go and at least raise some kids with my soul mate.

        By the way I have a damn good New Jersey accent that I was using all the time while there. So I may fit in.

        Consider myself on the fence when it concerns New Jersey. I may have to branch out and look at better parts of New Jersey next time.
        Thank you so much for explaining eloquently what a great place New Jersey is. I had to check the calendar to see if it wasn’t April fools.

  4. I found a T shirt I feel you would like, especially if you got is as “Except New Jersey” hahaha

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