I Have A Stomach Of Iron Part 1.


True facts:

  • I went all through college without puking from alcohol.
  • I did the century club. (one shot of beer per minute for 100 minutes) without puking.
  • My University sponsors an “Around the World” senior event which is basically a day long drinking fest. I did it twice, never having puked.
  • I once took 15 shots in 3 hours and went on to dance my little heart out. (NO PUKING)
  • I went approximately 29 years without throwing up from liquor/beer/wine or any alcohol intoxication of any kind.

Now I know what you’re thinking, “Holy hell, Moses you obviously didn’t GO to college.” I did you assholes… I did, trust me. There were plenty of times I wanted to throw up but never did. I mean we’ve all been there right?

Fast forward a few years after college to November 2009.

A friend is having a party. A games party to be exact, the type of party where you sit around drinking and playing charades, pictionary or other games with people. I show up to this party in a nice sweater and tie hoping to impress this girl who I knew was going to be there. (Classy right?) I brought along a very nice bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon (again super classy) that I had hoped to partake in and share.  My first mistake was bringing that bottle of wine and drinking any of it. My second mistake was discovering the buffalo cheese dip.

SEE!? WTF was I thinking?! UGH! Buffalo cheese dip and wine? I  might as well invite Neo-Nazis to a Bar Mitzvah.

You can imagine what happened. Upon drinking too much wine combined with the buffalo cheese dip, both parties wanted out. A friend offered to drive me home and halfway there I said, “PULL OVER NOW!” The car pulled over like a like NASCAR pit stop, I lurched my body and bubbling mix of explosive stomach contents out of the car. Finding a nice sweet unspoiled patch of grass I relinquished control. When finished, I looked up and realized my friend had stopped right outside of a graveyard.  “Hey man, just kill me now and dump my body in this graveyard, I’ll write a suicide note so it looks legit and you’ll get off Scot free.” I said very slobbery. Luckily my friend didn’t take me up on the offer.

Thank goodness I was wearing a sweater. Had I not, that tie would’ve been covered in upchucked buffalo wine cheese. (Sounds delicious no?)

I got back in the car and was dropped off at my apt. I did another “dance” with the grass in front of my apt. I finally went in, cleaned up and went to bed.

The next day I awoke feeling awful. I repeated those oft said post-puking lies, “I’m never drinking again!” “Nope never picking up another glass of wine.” Of course I was a liar.

So this is how my 29 year record ended. I had gone through countless party hours with nary a chunk thrown. Oh well, there are some records that need to be destroyed. Some people might say it was a good thing that I had finally thrown up. My own recent consumption has trailed off since 09, and I no longer find the need to mix alcohol with strange foods.

Happy Drinking.


About MaximumWage

I don't wear shoes. And I habitually reinvent myself, like the wheel.
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12 Responses to I Have A Stomach Of Iron Part 1.

  1. fissionerror says:

    Early this year I started a food blog, cheekily titled YouFoodIsNotSoGreat. I was so proud of myself I took some nice fruit and wine and decided to make Sangria and post a recipe as the inaugural entry. Then Janie (of the my-blog inspiring YouLifeIsNotSoGreat) came over to help me DRINK said Sangria…

    Three hours later when I was vomiting up a liter of red wine and fruit chunks all over a toilet brush holder shaped like a snooty cat, I was like “Is this really the tone I want to set for my blog?”

    …So my first post was about how I almost burned my house down instead.

    Also, as you’ve learned, you can never go wrong with layers.

    • MaximumWage says:

      YES! I’m not alone.

      Did you stop writing the blog? Whatever happened to it?

      Its funny that red wine “pairs” with all these different things and yet you and I end up puking chunks from it. LOL such is life.

      • fissionerror says:

        Nope, it’s still active (http://youfoodisnotsogreat.wordpress.com) if you ever want some incredibly bizarre food concoctions that can pretty much be summed up as, “I don’t know, just fucking cook something.” It turns out that since I’ve been cooking all my life and not measuring things for most of that, my idea of a recipe is, “Stew? Just make it. Cupcakes? Just make them*. Caramel? Just make it.”

        *Full disclosure: I do actually use recipes for baking. Someone with a much wimpier stomach than myself once said cooking is an art, but baking is a science. Recipes, ahoy!

  2. I can relate. I once lost a lense from my glasses at a bar. I walked 5 miles home after it closed and didn’t realize it was gone until the next day. I went back and the janitor had swept it up and handed it back to me like it was a regular thing with him. I don’t drink any more!

  3. becca3416 says:

    I thought I was the only one who had the anti-puke gene. I seriously haven’t upchucked since I was too young to even remember what it feels like, and I can DRINK. Especially whiskey. I can only hope that my 29th year doesn’t bring upon the curse like it did for you.

    • MaximumWage says:

      Yeah it feels good knowing that I’m going to have a good time and it wont end with me puking. Good on you for drinking whiskey. To be honest thats actually kinda attractive. Most ladies will stick to the vodka and ban whiskey, tequila etc.

      You’ll be fine if you just don’t mix weird food with liquor, I realized I haven’t even made part 2 yet and its basically the same story a weird food mixed with liquor.

  4. I’m so jealous. I had a super good streak while I was studying abroad in Scotland (the Scots can definitely teach anyone how to drink!). And then it all went super downhill from there… one time in Vegas ended with me waking up with a black eye… so so bad…

  5. I used to make myself puke so I wouldn’t be so hungover. I would chug water until I puked. To this day cannot drink plane water without wanting to puke. Probably not the smartest plan I have ever had.

  6. Pingback: I Have A Stomach Of Iron – part 2 | Maximum Wage

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