I Am Afflicted With Bruxism


Not too many years ago I came to the realization that I grind my teeth while asleep.

Most importantly, you should feel sorry for me.

This disease is known as Bruxism, is a scourge on my nightlife and a constant source of pain in my mouth. The worst part? There is no cure.

I spend my nights with one of these in my mouth while sleeping:


This is of course what it looks like before.

You might want to sit down and brace yourself for this next photo.


Do you see the cracks of torment? The jagged plastic edges of misery? This is my life, my struggle and until such time I pass away it will be the yoke I carry with me every night when I sleep.

This is my future. My only foreseeable future.


Now I know what you’re thinking. “Moses you’re like the funniest coolest awesomest person, how can a stupid night grinding problem hinder your night life?”

The answer is that the frequency and strength of the grinding happens on the nights I drink alcohol.

Dear ladies and gentlemen, please contain your sorrow, sadness and complete empathy for what I am about to tell you.

I cannot have sleep overs with the opposite sex because of my condition. Its that serious.

So once again. I beg, I plead with you to have pity on me. I would really appreciate it if you felt really sorry for me.

That’s all. panhandler-2


About MaximumWage

I don't wear shoes. And I habitually reinvent myself, like the wheel.
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35 Responses to I Am Afflicted With Bruxism

  1. becca3416 says:

    So what happens exactly with the sleep over thing. Do you… bite them?

    • MaximumWage says:

      Nah. it turns into this awkward. “Oh you’re leaving, you’re going home?” “Yeah I forgot my nightguard, I cant sleep without it.” “OHH YEAHHH SURE Ya did sure yah cant.” Now I have to mention it like in the first 5 minutes of meeting a girl… My life is sooo hard.

  2. Luubke says:

    “Now I know what youโ€™re thinking. โ€œMoses youโ€™re like the funniest coolest awesomest person, how can a stupid night grinding problem hinder your night life?โ€
    Hahahaha, Moses, always so modest (:

    My sincere sympathy, however. I think it is indeed awefull what you have to go through.

  3. ridicuryder says:


    What about that crazy titanium / graphite dental gear worn by Jaws in Moonraker?

    This could launch you in a whole new direction…….silver lining wise.


  4. TheGirl says:

    Well, have you seen a specialist with bruxism? A night guard does help, but their could be other therapies? Plus, there’s implants and dentures if worse comes to worse

    • MaximumWage says:

      Yeah the night guard does help and I do take supplements, but bottom line there is no cure. I have even looked into alternative therapies but they arent too promising. And yes.. I look forward to dentures. Apparently getting all your teeth pulled was a right of passage for old people.

  5. I guess you could stop drinking. That might help solve the problem. Its usually because of stress. I have the same problem too. Looking into getting a nightguard also, but…I’ve also been looking into getting one for about two years. Soon. though. SOOON

    • MaximumWage says:

      Stop drinking? STOP DRINKING? Lol, well I’ve definitely cut back. I think you should stop procrastination and just go get one. Although in my experience you shouldn’t get any one from the store. Order a mold online, bite into the mold and send it back. It’s more expensive but you’ll have it for a lot longer. DO IT NOW!.. or just do it soon.

      • I know I know. I just found out from my dentist they’re over a hundred bucks! So its….spend tons of money in Hong Kong or buy a littly plastic thingy for my teeth….teeth are gonna have to wait ima fraid.

      • MaximumWage says:

        Yeah I was told that too by my dentist. So I ordered one from online and its way way cheaper. like 120$ for three and they last about 6 months. those plastic thingys still chip away at your teeth. I learned that in 2011 when I had to switch to the hard plastic…. Good luck… And in reference to Becca’s comment if you get a mouth guard I’ll marry you…

      • Damn. No ring without a mouthguard huh? Playing hardball I see.

  6. LailahMonte says:

    Join the club. Tell me, the last time you had a cleaning, did the dental tech working on you ask it it was OK to call the training techs into the room so they could get a look at the overly-developped bone growth inside your lower jaw? Mandibular torus, baby! Dentists asked me for years if I was grinding my teeth, and it wasn’t until I got older and started dating that I realized I was and that my nocturnal bruxism was loud enough to awaken others. We’re about 99% sure mine is stress related. It diminished significantly after graduating college. It still increases when I’m under significant daily pressure, but it’s not nearly as bad as it was. The handy part is, it’s a great love barometer! If I’m grinding a lot: stressful relationship. If I’m not: healthy relationship. The latter is my fiancรฉ. Though, perhaps his snoring is just so loud he can’t hear me grinding. ๐Ÿ˜€

    • MaximumWage says:

      Stress related? hmmm… Maybe I should look into that. Im just pretty sure Its worse on nights I drink alcohol or lots and lots of coffee.

      Bruxism as a love barometer. ๐Ÿ™‚ Thats a new one.

  7. Why dont you just pull all your teeth and get dentures now, then you can take them out at night. Solution yes?

  8. Jimmy&Kendra says:

    I feel your pain. I have been grinding my teeth in my sleep sense I was a little kid. Now I am missing one of my back teeth ’cause I ground it to nothing and had to have it pulled. I’ve always wondered if those night-guards actually helped.

    • MaximumWage says:

      Ohhh… missing one of your back teeth? Thats not good. The more expensive night guards do work.. The cheap plastic ones you buy at the pharmacy DO NOT WORK… learned that one 2 years ago.

  9. saradraws says:

    I have a night guard that cost many dollars, custom fitted from the dentist. I’m not a grinder, I’m a clencher. Worked though. The opposite of sexy, however. I haven’t had to use it in years, but I’ll be damned if I’m tossing out a $300 piece of equipment. Is yours a high end guard? Looks delicious. Sorry about your teeth cock blocking you.

    • MaximumWage says:

      Wait so you clench at night and you some how worked through this problem?? but how? Mine wasnt really high end you can get the same “dentist” night guards by ordering online its about 60$ a pop.

      Thanks for the empathy.. I appreciate it.

      • saradraws says:

        You know, once I started using the guard, it took a few months (?) and I wasn’t clenching anymore. I also did mindful unclenching during the day. The two must have made a good team.
        My guard was modelled after my teeth specifically, and clicked in with metal clips. It was a hard plastic, not a soft one. Also, had my name imbedded in it. That way no one else could use it, becuase I hear that’s a big problem with mouth guards. Also, Indestructible, from what I can tell.

  10. My brother has that! He sleeps with a mouthguard too.

    And all you need to find is a girl who also has a mouthguard – or retainers, like many people I know, including me… *ha-wink!*

  11. Ashely Smith says:

    Hello! Really funny article! You won’t look like the guy with no teeth. We can help:) send us an email! Sentinelmouthguards@gmail.com

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