Your Mom Called, The Internet Hates You.


i hate you3

In order for this blog post to work, imagine the nerdiest skinniest guy yelling these at you from behind a computer.

  • You’re the kind of Asshole who gets excited about and shares that Youtube video we all saw 3 years ago.
  • You’re the Myspace of People.
  • Your brain thinks at the speed of Dial-up.
  • You thought Facebook was the place where they put mugshots on the internet.
  • You don’t need a boyfriend, Pinterest will be your boyfriend.
  • Every internet dating site you’ve tried has forced you to move and change your identity only because you don’t turn down anyone on the internet.
  • You sexted yourself.
  • You click on all the internet ads because “hot singles really do want to talk to you.”
  • You started a blog about beanie babies last year. The blog has at least one confirmed visit. (accidental)
  • Your Smart Phone is smarter than you.
  • You secretly want to get freshly pressed, and by freshly pressed I am of course talking about a significant other freshly pressing you into his/her body in the real world. Sorry Its not going to happen.
  • I’d call you but you have a car phone, a wall phone and a DICK-taphone stuck in your ear.
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About MaximumWage

I don't wear shoes. And I habitually reinvent myself, like the wheel.
This entry was posted in Jobs, Life and the American Way and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

21 Responses to Your Mom Called, The Internet Hates You.

  1. J-Dub says:

    You mean hot singles DON’T really want to talk to me? FML…

    I knew it had to be too good to be true. I knew being 45 years old, fat, and wearing old boxer shorts and a Motley Crue t-shirt with Cheeto fingerprints on it wasn’t going to be horndog web-cam gold.

  2. Katie says:

    Hilarious. Except I’m secretly mortified because I have always suspected my Smart Phone is, indeed, smarter than I am. 😦 In my defense, it’s REALLY smart.

  3. ysobele says:

    hahaha… now I can hear the dial up in my thought processes..
    toooot…chhhhiinngg…..toot tooot toooot….. 😀 😀 😀

    nowadays when my kid ask where are his socks.. I stare at him blankly and say..
    loading…
    …. loading…
    …..loading….

    hahahaha… means I find this funny right?

  4. Oh crap, I don’t know what a dick-taphone is… this guy would totally be able to insult me… sad day…

  5. yeah so what is a dick-taphone anyway? I was wondering the same thing.

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