You’re such an alcoholic that I’ve considered investing in the company that makes your favorite alcohol.
You are so unloved, you’re not allowed to like anything on Facebook.
You are such a mystery that the Illuminati come to you for advice.
You are such a wimp, you don’t let out a whimper, you let out a you.
You are such a loser, The Confederacy, Nazi Germany and the Biggest Loser won’t have anything to do with you.
You are such a bad driver, your insurance company calls you for repair quotes.
You are so bad at board games, when you play Monopoly and pass GO you get charged an ATM fee. When you play the game Life, you end up unemployed, alone and drinking bottles of Gin in a hotel. When you play Chess your pawns turn on you and the queen leaves you.
You are so bad at sports you get picked last every time. Not even the kids want you on their team.
You are such a disorganized person, hoarders take notes from you.
You are such a worrier, when you step on a crack, you actually call your mom to make sure her back is ok. (Sorry if you don’t get the reference.)