Tips For Throwing Parties


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The summer party season is upon us, (July 4th, Bastille day and countless other summer galas and soirees) allow me to partake in a series of tips, tricks and other party favors to help you in your endeavor to be the bestest hostess (or host) with the mostest.

Preparation:

The first thing you need to ask yourself is what kind of party am I throwing? Is it Classy? On a classy scale from redneck drink-a-thon fuck fest to Oscar awards after party to post Operatic performance brouhaha, where does it fall?  What is the theme? I’ve had some respectable Lumberjack, fake wedding and costume parties that involved a theme. I’ve also had some awesome lets talk and drink for a while parties. Whatever your theme is, if you can try to tie it into any local celebration or holiday the frivolity and happiness factor goes up. The surprise factor goes up as well. Who wouldn’t want to go to a “Remember the Alamo party?” Or even a, “Remember the Alpo Party” You’d be surprised how much fun it is to think up rules and party favors for a May Day party…

Once you’ve gotten a theme out of the way, go out and buy all the things you’ll need for your party.

Ok good, you’re done shopping right?

Know Your Guests:

This is the hard part, juggling all those people you invited. I’m sure some of you have that guy or girl who just shouldn’t be drinking. They’re lonely or creepy and the minute they hit the sauce the “other” person comes out to play. Here’s how to handle them, make THEIR drinks for them and water them down. Did they go in the bathroom? Now is the time to do shots. Spontaneously show up with food for them… BOOM they might get a nice party buzz but Mr. or Mrs. creeper won’t come out to play.

Do you have a friend that gets too rowdy? Don’t invite them. Or better yet, duct tape their mouth, and the the arms behind the back. Throw them in a closet for timeout, let them out only if they promise to be good. Did two of your friends have a falling out? Well I guess you should pay more attention to your friends lives and shouldn’t have invited one of them.

During the Party:

  • Did you remember that there are kids attending?
  • Did you remember to tell them about the troll in your room? (so they don’t go in it)
  • Did you remember to stock a ton of toilet paper in your bathrooms?
  • Did you clean? Cook? Prepare for everyone?

Have your cleaning supplies ready, and depending on how much alcohol is involved in this party be sure to move breakable things away from the party.

Its important to note that during the party, you’ll be playing host, hostage negotiator, world leader, thug, life of the party and corrupt cop.  What do all of these mean? Thats for you to figure out. Remember, you can’t get too drunk. A party is a great indicator of who you can trust and who are your true friends.

Did someone give you a bull shit reason as to why they can’t come? If they happen to invite you to any of their parties, GO! Then drink a butt ton and puke on all their shit. (A butt ton is more than a crap ton.) They aren’t going to your parties, you aren’t going to theirs. At least they have to clean up your puke. (WHICH IS HARDER THAN ACTUALLY GOING TO MY PARTY JANINE! MAYBE YOU SHOULD’VE THOUGHT ABOUT THAT!? CLEANING UP PUKE?! GOING TO MY PARTY!?) Oh…. sorry… where was I?

After The Party:

Was it a huge success? Did people smile? Did you introduce the correct single lady with the correct single guy? Will they get married and have babies and its all because of your party? By law, you can go up to their adult children years from now and say, “You assholes owe me your lives, if it wasn’t for my party your parents would’ve never had you.” And then take their first born child and run away with it, its yours by law.

As you can see I like throwing parties.

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About MaximumWage

I don't wear shoes. And I habitually reinvent myself, like the wheel.
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6 Responses to Tips For Throwing Parties

  1. Pyx says:

    Dear Maximum ‘Abby’ Wage

    This is perfect timing.

    I am a Canadian living in rural Indiana (moving is not an option for the sake of this question) and I have been invited to my very first pig roast and though I consider myself well traveled and fit in wherever I go what should I bring with me that says ‘please like me even though I don’t eat pork and you all believe I am an Obama loving – atheist/heathen – socialist/communist- anti-gun – humanitarian – overly educated -anti-war -liberal- woman’ to impress my new Tea Party neighbours?

    • MaximumWage says:

      Some awesome red white and blue shorts, an America hat, firecrackers or a lot of alcohol.
      If you happen to be a fun loving happy go lucky drunk. It doesn’t matter, they’ll love you as long as you don’t act uppity or cold shouldered.

      Bring a lot of beer you can share too. Thats definitely number one.

      If it was me, and I couldn’t eat pork. I’d pull the “I dont want to ruin my buzz.”

      I’d get a tiny amount of food (potato salad or something like that.) but keep drinking.

      If you can’t eat pork due to religious reasons or because you’re vegetarian. DONT MENTION IT. If they do find out. Pretend you just started not eating meat, that way they’ll think you can be changed. And laugh about it…

      May the force be with you.

  2. The Cutter says:

    About the “deciding what kind of party you’re throwing” thing: Sometimes when you’re married, your spouse might have a completely different idea about what kind of party it’s gonna be. She’s busy trying to class things up a bit while I’m there in my “Protect your nuts” novelty T-shirt and jean shorts, lining up the 40s in the fridge.

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