Here are some helpful tips for people just now starting your new years resolutions; as well for people looking for new workout strategies.
1. “Re-creation Workout”
- Wake up at 5 am.
- eat a small breakfast.
- RUN A FUCKING MARATHON.
- DIE FROM A HEART ATTACK AT MILE 19.
- REINCARNATE as CHANNING TATUM’S SON.
2. “The Nice looking Butt Workout.”
- Go to the gym.
- Do 160 squats.
- Get butt implants.
- Walk into the gym the next day and wow everyone with my new physique.
- If anyone asks just say, “Hard work and determination pays off!”
3. “The Spartan Workout”
- Age regress to 7 using black magic.
- Time travel to ancient Sparta using time machine.
- Learn ancient Greek using Rosetta stone.
- Go through rigorous ancient spartan training program and DON’T DIE.
4. “The New Years Resolute Workout.”
- Resolve to workout more in January
- Resolve to workout more and eat less in May
- Resolve to workout more, eat less and stop drinking beer in September
- Resolve to to take a break from everything in October 1.
- January repeat cycle.
5. “The Shock and Awe Workout.”
- Join the military.
- Go to boot camp.
- Have drill instructor yell at you for being fat.
- Lose the fat.
- Quit the military.
6. “The Ball Gag.”
- Eat a normal breakfast.
- Eat a normal lunch.
- Have a nice Cardio centered workout after being at work and sitting down all day.
- At 6pm. Calmly put on a giant Ball Gag.
7. “The Oregon Trail Diet”
- Die Of Dysentery.
- Restart the game and play as a banker and survive.
- Get off the computer and go for a run.
8. “The Bad Ass Workout.”
- Create a secret word.
- Every time I hear the secret word I do 10 pushups and 10 situps.
- Create secret identity.
- Fight Crime.
- Every time a criminal says the secret word I kick their ass.