Recently I went on a blind date, this is how it went down.
When a friend of mine said, “there is a woman I’m going to set you up with” This is how I reacted:
I mean I can find my own ladies thank you very much. This friend, who is a woman said, “Are you sure? She’s kind of funny too, like you.”
She knows my Achilles heel! Compliment how funny I am and you can pretty much ask me to do anything. (SHIT WHY DID I WRITE THIS ON MY BLOG)
So I went on the date.
I arrived at the restaurant a little early. I like punctuality and I like it when people have this quality as well. She showed up early. Bonus points for her.
When I first saw my date I was pretty shocked, She was pretty cute. I mean for someone who was supposed to be “funny” I thought I was dealing with a “she has a good personality” type of good looks. I’m not picky but the heart wants, or rather the penis wants what it wants you know?
I will refer to her from now on as Lisa.
We did our awkward hellos and sat down and commenced the small talk.
Lisa mentioned she works as a nanny for a super rich couple. Shes tells a story about one of the kids she watches (A 5 year old) who calls spiders “Speedews.” She laughed and laughed telling this story.
It wasn’t THAT funny, but whatever.
I dropped that I write a comedy blog. As quick as a jack rabbit Lisa drops, “OH! I’ve been meaning to do that too!”
Sorry Lisa, I really don’t believe you.
We talked for a bit about our mutual friend and how we both know her.
At this point I started to notice the male waiter was really attentive to Lisa, almost to the point where it was obvious he liked Lisa. I had to tell him a COUPLE times, “We’re good thanks.”
What I really wanted to say to him:
At this point we’re eating dinner and enjoying each others company. Lisa starts talking about her recent EX.
WHAT?! That’s like rule number one on a date. DON’T TALK ABOUT YOUR EX!
I tried everyone. I really tried to give her a chance. When you’re recently out of a relationship and you’ve had your heart broken I can imagine it would be difficult going out and talking to people who-
NO! DON’T TALK ABOUT YOUR EX!
For about the next 40 minutes or so every time she dropped the name of her ex my mind did this:
(It happened twice)
So the “Funny” part of her personality decided to show up with about 20 minutes left in our date.
She straight up asks me, “so how many women have you been with?”
Maybe she felt comfortable around me? Maybe her brash demeanor could come off as humor if I was drunk and in intolerable pain. I don’t know why Lisa asked this question, maybe she felt bad for talking about her ex and wanted me to talk about a previous ex I had. Either way I didn’t take the bait. I gave a vague answer and changed the subject as quick as I possibly could.
The date ended. Finally.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been on worse dates with people I did know. She’s very attractive and will be just fine. I hear our waiter is available.
About 40 minutes later in the comfort of my own home I get a text from Lisa inviting me out for another date. When I declined I pictured her doing this at home:
So if you’re wondering Internet Ladies….
I’m still single.