Lets Talk About FORTS!

Oh my gosh you guys!




First we have your standard “Wild West” Anti- Indian repelling fort.

Lets look at this constructively.

  • It has a water tower to hold out against a siege. (people need water to drink, I mean you’re going to sweat fightin Injuns and all.)
  • It has a cannon. That’s some good firepower to cover the front door.
  • It has a building that says, “FORT” on it. That’s good right?
  • Unfortunately most Native Americans aren’t really going to leave their casinos to attack an old western Fort. Obsolete? I say yes.

I rate the Indian fort 4 out of 10


  • Nice look out tower
  • Nice battlement, you can rain death from above.
  • Actual enclosed area to plan strategies eat smores and tell girls to go away.
  • NON RETRACTABLE LADDER! WTF?! What if Zombies attack? Or bad guys?

I give this Tree Fort a C-


  • Wtf is this shit?
  • Is this amateur hour? Are we building raised platforms 4 ft off the ground?
  • No ROOF, No enclosure of any kind, Shitty ladder entry and this tree looks like a spider built it.

I give this tree fort (if it can be called that) 1 star out of 5.


  • Hotel room, not bad.
  • Just blankets with white pillows for added anchoring
  • Comfy.
  • Smiling white dude.

I like this impromptu blanket fort but its still lacking a lot of defensive upgrades. I give it a 5.9 on the IMDB scale.


  • Non matching pillows = shitty job
  • Let me take a nap on the hardwood floors! NOPE! Who am I Robinson Crusoe?
  • Meh

I give this blanket fort a 1200 on the SAT scale.

Aerial photographs

  • First of all good job on the moat. You can put crocodiles, dragons or spikes at the bottom.
  • Bridges for easy defense I like it.
  • Plenty of area to repel an attack without return fire.
  • Trees for wood, open area to grow crops. Looks like I know where I’m going if the zombie apocalypse happens.

I give this fort a 14 inch dick on the porn star scale. And yes I just came.

Yes I will be doing a follow up post to this one next week.

Yes there are many different kinds of forts

and yes,

You’re welcome world.



About MaximumWage

I don't wear shoes. And I habitually reinvent myself, like the wheel.
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7 Responses to Lets Talk About FORTS!

  1. Pyx says:

    We Natives did have fire which burnt down the wood fort and then we decided that was where we would build our casinos – a new kind of fort for fat white people. LMAO

    But I have a fondness for blanket forts, my boyfriend just built me one recently. In the middle of the living room in front of the fire place, but had the pillows not matched it wouldn’t have mattered to me as long as it held.

    Moat – now that is something!
    I can’t wait to your follow up.

  2. themodernidiot says:

    Total boner fort on that last one! Agreed. I give this post a 95; the dance moves were solid and the costumes were excellent.

  3. Now is that a 1200 on the NEW SAT scale or the old one? Cause on the old one, 1200 isn’t too shabby ya kno’?

  4. Pingback: Lets Talk About Forts Some More! | Maximum Wage

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