Silly Romance Novel Cover Artwork

Well look at you getting two blog posts this week.

Aren’t you lucky!

After writing my last Tuesday blog post, I thought I’d post some of the other cover art I came across. ENJOY!

pee scottie sissy what yea lower kangaroo


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I Do Not Believe in Soul Mates.



Call me unromantic, call me an asshole. I don’t believe in never ending love. I don’t believe in a love so strong that it conquers all. AND I CERTAINLY do not believe that, “all you need is love.” According to the Beatles.

Let me explain.

As much as its comforting to believe that there can be only one other person in the world for us, its very dangerous. If soul mates existed wouldn’t divorce cease to exist? What would be the point of “moving on” if you lost your soul mate to tragedy? No one could possibly compare to this person, your only alternative would be suicide.

I do believe that some people can live their lives to an extent that their whole being is encompassed in a spouse. I also believe that you can find someone you want to spend your whole life with and then one day *POOF* a completely different person will walk into your life and you’ll develop feelings for that person. Even though you’re married, its possible to be attracted to other people. We all wish that once we’re married, our sexual attraction button would shut off for everyone but our spouse. Unfortunately that’s not the case.

There are people out there reading this and cringing and judging. Before you do that let me set the record straight on what I do believe.

I believe in realistic love. 

I believe that we are all looking for someone who puts up with our bullshit. Someone who has qualities we want in our lives, someone whose bull shit we’ll put up with and a person who we’ll grow with as we get older.

That’s it.

Right now ask yourself why you’re attracted to your significant other.

If your answer is, “I don’t know, I just know that I love them.” You might want to reconsider why you are with that person.

If your answer is, “every time I freak out they calm me down and keep me grounded.” That’s a very specific reason and one that will ground you through out the years.

I also don’t believe people should dip their fries into Mayonnaise but that’s a blog post for another day.

In closing I leave you with this:



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I Have an Amazing Butt

I don’t mean to brag.

Butt I do.

1. I’ve caught a total of three women checking out my butt.

2. Its a nice large size but not too big.

3. It holds my pants up.


If my butt were a country it would be the President of The United Butts of America.

If my butt were a product it would be the ibutt.

A girl once touched my butt and orgasmed instantly.


I once cured butt cancer with my butt.

I once used my butt as a weapon. I killed a terrorist and preserved freedom.

Have you ever been to a full 60,000 seat auditorium for a concert? That’s what happens when I use the elliptical at my gym.


I once caused a 5 hour traffic jam when I bent over to pick up a quarter off the ground.

My butt is a pied piper.

My butt.


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The Worst Day Of My Life.

I woke up naked.

Wondering where I was, what had happened. My eyes hurt like I a bad hangover. Through the blur, I became aware of my surroundings. I was in a small dirt room, the walls were white brick and it smelled like a burnt orange. That was of course between the smell of blood and sweat emanating from my body. I had a large stitched incision in my abdomen and I felt sick to my stomach.

I moved towards the door and tried opening it. A loud command in a language I didn’t understand yelled back at me.

I backed away from the door.

“How did I get here?!” “WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?” I thought to myself.

I knew I wasn’t getting out of here soon. I slumped to the ground in a heap and waited…

Hours later…

The door flung open. A man with an AK47 walked up to me and kicked me. He yelled something and I got up.

He wanted me to go ahead of him down the hallway. I slowly walked past him and out of the room.

I walked as fast as I could down hallways and through garbage filled rooms, His constant yelling kept me going further and further down this rabbit hole. I finally came to a dirty room with bed and a table. There was a door that looked like it lead outside. A pair of shorts and a shirt were hung on a hook. He pointed at them and said something. He wanted me to put the clothes on. I hurriedly did so.

He produced a pair of flip flops and threw them at me. When I put them on and looked up, he had produced a brown bag. Throwing it at me I caught it in mid air.

He wanted me to get out of there… I didn’t ask twice.

When I opened the door I walked outside to a busy street somewhere in Mexico. My life it seemed, had gotten interesting.


We see a large classroom, I’m standing at a podium surrounded by children and about to give the final line to my book.

“And that children is why you should never, ever be a drug mule for the Sinoloa Cartel.” The children, their mouths agape had no way to process the information I had just given them.

“The good news is that the bag contained thirty thousand dollars.” “I used that money to start a business, and here I am today.” “With hard work, determination and a little creativity even you can make your dreams a reality.”

A small child with a be freckled face raised his hand. “What about the incision?” He squeaked.

“Snitches get stitches.” I said calmly. “The cartel wanted me to remember what I had done.”

The reality? I had cut myself accidentally on broken mug the week before and had completely forgotten when I woke up in Mexico.

*If you look at the previous post to this one, a reader challenged me to write about, “Imagine it, You have no food, no home, no friends, can’t speak the language, what do you do, amen.”

So I wrote about it.

The End.

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I realize I haven’t written a blog post in a while.

For that I’m sorry. Pull out your whips, grab your clubs and ready your french ticklers because I have no excuse.

I’ve been working a shit ton of hours, 115 hours in 2 weeks to be exact. (meh not a real excuse if you ask me)

My brother got married, (not a real excuse)

I was best man in his wedding, (again not a real excuse)

and I’ve been doing a lot of improv comedy lately. (ok that’s a real excuse).

I do plan on writing more stuff, I love posting GIF stories but those can be tedious when you don’t have all the free time in the world to find the best gif of a baby laughing or someone getting kicked in the balls.

Seriously someone give me something to write about.


Give me something.

Your Pal,


PS. Please don’t give me the idea of a 30 day blog challenge you bastards… I’ve already done one and I hated it.

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My Birthday!

Happy Birthday to me last Friday! RyangoslingHappybday


You know those moments where everything seems to just be awesome? Well I had 2 of those moments on my birthday.


Like most of you unfortunate souls who celebrate your birthday during the week, I worked on my birthday.

My Ipod had recently died and so I went to Best Buy to check out what kind of MP3 players were on sale. I’m browsing around and see that the Ipod Nanos are on sale “SWEET!”



I find the running strap to go with. “Aww shucks its 30$.” I’m standing there hemming and hawwing when the a sales associate comes up to me and says,”You can price match those with amazon.”

“ummmmm Awesome!”


I save 50$


I’m hungry and on my lunch break so I go get some Chinese food. I order one of those Teriyaki bowls which is pretty cheap but doesn’t include a lot of chicken. For some reason the young woman filling my bowl instinctively knows its my birthday. She LOADS UP MY BOWL.


Why did she do it?


I’m Awesome, and its my birthday.

I spent my Birthday night drinking a lot and doing Karoake, but that’s not as cool a story to make using Gifs. *I almost puked*

(My birthday is the 23rd of May, if we have the same birthday you can definitely count yourself amongst the cool kids.)



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How Things Make Me Feel Using Gifs.


How different stuff makes me feel! You’ll get it.


At work I wear sunglasses that have a lanyard attached to them. Kind of like this:

Sunglasses with lanyard

From time to time that lanyard rubs up against the back of my neck and I do a hair flip all the time at work and I play it off like I’m fabulous.



After I get a haircut and look in the mirror this is what I do:




You should all try it… Do it, flirt with yourself.

When I hit all green lights on the way to work:


How my legs feel after a long winter and wearing shorts for the first time this year:


When I see that the toothpaste is out before I go to bed:


When I’m out 0f deodorant:



When I’m at a bar trying to listen to a conversation and trying to people watch:


When my song comes on:


When a friend of mine mentions that Lord of the Rings is bad:


My other favorite response is, “I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain how wrong you are.”

That one time when I came home late one night and all my lights were on inside.


Ghosts maybe?

When I hear ANY kind of loud music from a car next to me:


Have a great WEEK!

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Fun Words and Other Fun Jokes.


Welcome back friends!

I know its been two weeks since I last posted something. My apologies, I’m working on starting a small business. Who knew life could be this much fun and  busy!?

Anyway this post has been a long time coming. I’ve written these jokes over the course of a few months so please feel free to claim them as your own. I’ve broken up this blog post into two sections. The first section are 3 corny jokes and the rest are weird words. You’ll get the idea when you read them.

For the record the next three jokes go together.

1. What do you call a gay hair terrorist?

A: A Bearorist.

2. What do you call someone who loves way too much to the point of annoyance?

A: A careorist

3. What do you call a fuzzy teddy bear from a 1980’s animated Tv Show that has run afoul of everything good and whole some and has turned to a life of mayhem and murder?

A: A carebearorist.


In this section You must say OUT LOUD the word I will put in bold.


Did you pronounce it like Wed-nes-day or Wendsday?

Say these two words very fast in quick succession.

And ever and ever and ever and ever

Kinda sounds like you’re saying endeavor over and over again?


Did you say Bandages? Or Panda jizz?

My Cocaine

Did you say My cocaine or Michael Caine in his own voice?


Thats all! Enjoy the rest of your week!




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Making Friends Or Being A Friend As Told Through Gifs


We all have friends right? I mean if you don’t have any friends you should get off your computer and go make some new friends. Seriously I give you permission to stop reading this.



Its a pretty hard making friends sometimes. Here are my reactions.



When I find out that a few of my friends went out without letting me know.



When I get a text from a friend I haven’t heard from in A LONG TIME.


Happened just yesterday as a matter of fact.


How I feel when I try to make plans with friends and no one can make it.



What I SHOULD DO before drinking. (I’m a BAD drunk texter)


How my brain feels when an acquaintance drops a hand grenade in the conversation:


Oh? You don’t know what a conversational hand grenade is? Its something that is meant to shock , offend or illicit an emotional response.

How all friendships should be:


How some friendships are:


How I felt when I was talking with a co-worker and discovered we both liked Game of Thrones:



What I wanted to say to him:


But I didn’t because that’s not work appropriate.


My reaction when I start talking to someone and just instantly connect with them:


My reaction when I’m interested in a woman only as a friend and find out she has a crush on me:


When I’m people watching at the local bar:


Seriously who doesn’t people watch? I mean I’m obviously looking for a new friend right?


When I try to comfort a friend on a recent loss.

I soundlikeanidiot

How I felt on April fools day the year anniversary of a friend dying.



Seriously hold your friends tight and cherish them.














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My Take On The News

Pretty self explanatory once you see the headline and my tagline below it.



What century is it? MUMPS? This can’t be real. Next you’ll be telling me Yellow fever, dysentery and the Oregon Trail are back.


Nothing compared to a  few Lakers riots.


So what the heck is up with your name? I’d sell my shit too if it rhymed with “Large” and whatever the other name is.


EU membership, Crimea and now a security service HQ? What won’t be taken from Ukraine? Dibs on the non scary parts!


Really? “Just like” it? Are you sure this time? Cause we should call a press conference or something, like all those other times.



Again with the horrible names!? MALLINCKRODT that sounds like a German gum disease.


I didn’t know he was alive!?


Finally! New Jersey gives back to New York city!



Either this is the smartest 5 yr old on the planet or Xbox forgot to do some security.  My money is on the one who likes recess and animal crackers.



But guys! It was in Belgium, they have amazing beer! YOU GET TO TAKE BEER BREAKS!


That’s all! Now go out and get informed by the news!

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