Making Mistakes As Told Through Gifs.


Oh-n2o

We all have those days.

How I feel checking for grammatical errors before posting a blog post.

Spyglass

How I feel after I’ve published said blog post, and find a really bad grammatical error:

Cryingtimberlake

How I feel when I say something stupid, knock something over or just act stupid while drunk:

Whatever

How I react to the same things when sober:

WTf

And what I want to do immediately:

backtobed

When I signed up on some website and I notice I’m getting WAY more spam:

Whatthe

How I feel when I ask a girl out and get a very polite, “No thanks”

Awkwardsmiling

When my mind suddenly has an intrusive thought, my immediate reaction afterwards:

What3 WHat1

If you don’t know what an intrusive thought is click HERE

How I feel when I see some Ice cream:

mybodyisready

What I whisper to myself in front of the gym mirror the next morning:

nomercy

How I feel when I see someone make a mistake I’ve never done such as forgetting my wallet or losing my keys:

datsmile

What can I say I have a little schadenfreude with problems that aren’t mine!

How I react at scary movies or when I set my alarm too early:

scaredjump

How I felt after watching a sad movie with my friends:

Ihavelotsofeelings

Like who decided watching UP was a good idea?! Screw that.

What I think, and what many other single people think on Valentines day:

Hopeless

When I’m working with tools and I smash a finger:

ouch

How I feel immediately after the pain has gone away:rick-rude-

I’m so tough damn it….

How I feel after a night of heavy drinking and I see multiple drunk dials and drunk texts the next morning:

OhNO

But I mean basically other than these instances I’m a perfect person.

:-)

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Why I Closed My Facebook Account


facebook-closed

Last December I made one of the biggest social media decisions in my life. I completely removed my Facebook account. (Twitter as well)

The reasons are three fold.

1. I joined Facebook back in 2005 because I wanted to know if this cute girl in one of my classes was single. Katie D As I’ll call her, was married two years ago. Looks like I missed the boat on that one.

2. I had over 200+ friends but only talked to 20 of them in a year. Sorry to the guy I worked with a couple times in 2009 or that friend of a friend who friended me after hanging out one time. I was too lazy to remove you as a friend so I just closed shop.

3. The only person liking my Facebook status was my mom.

I’ll be honest, I haven’t had a lot of great news to share on Facebook both personally or professionally. Maybe that’s why I only posted funny (more like unfunny) little quips or observations.  This probably forced most of my friends to unsubscribe from my Facebook feed. I mean who wants to post funny stuff on Facebook, when you can just post it to your blog? Duh.

Things I’ll miss:

  • All of the happy birthday posts
  • Facebook stalking the hot ladies
  • An excuse to waste time
  • Not forgetting birthdays

A couple of weeks ago I came across this news article stating that Facebook will lose 80% of its members by 2017.

I guess the moral of the story is,  if you want something to be uncool, make sure your parents do it.

If you’re thinking about doing what I did and unsure of how to completely remove Facebook, click here.

I highly recommend you do this, my productivity has gone through the roof.

It looks like I’ll have to concentrate on staying engaged in the real relationships I have left. Darn it…. So much work! Also,If you want to challenge me to a game of Words with Friends (I’m pretty good FYI) my user name is VANWISER.

Don’t hesitate! Close Facebook today!

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Characters I’ve Been Working On.


Character

I’m not technically a character actor.

Once in a blue moon I’ll bust out a character to either do an impression, make fun of someone or to make a point. I use them so often I probably don’t even realize it. The stock characters I use I’ll describe below.

The Nerd with a heart of Gold:

“Well of course I saved those orphans, I saved them from having to do linear equations a year early. I’m that great at teaching math.”

“Well let me just convert inches to millimeters and, yep my dick is still very short.”

That one gay voice I do:

Every comedian has one now a days. I use mine to say things I don’t normally say, for instance: “Those drapes in your room are so gorgeous.”

I also use it to mock annoying women who are drunk and in bars. “OMG YES I do watch Pretty little Liars!”

The Idiot Redneck:

I use this one to make fun of myself or a typical American. Say I got a speeding ticket on the way to trivia night.

” I didn’t know my John Deere tractor could go that fast officer!”

“Is there a book I could read that lets me know every year what the physical and fashion trends are in the gay community so that as a straight man I don’t do them? “Yes, I’m asking for a gay trade journal.”

I also use it in political settings but it gets inappropriate fast.

Herr German efficiency:

“Vood you like me to do ze dishes? Or just clean everyzing up and take over your entire house?”

I don’t use this one that often, cause I don’t offer to clean that much.

Proper Englishman:

To make fun of manners, form and responsibility.

Here is a list of Characters I’ve been working on:

A guy named Paul Deen who is a chef and only likes working with Black people. He also carries around white guilt like a neckerchief around his neck.

A guy named Jimmy Dean who buys old horses and dogs. He buys them to save them bu he is vague about what he ACTUALLY DOES with them. And he’s always hungry.(Eventually the company Jimmy Dean sausage contacts him to stop doing ads.)

Patrick the Starfish from Nickelodeon’s Sponge bob square pants sings karaoke to “Part  of your world” From The Little Mermaid. (you guys have no idea how great this one is, its truly something remarkable. If I ever audition for SNL I’d definitely do this one.)

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The OREGON TRAIL DRINKING GAME! *Redone*


Don’t die of dysentery

Reblogged on January 21st.

Hi everyone, after game testing this drinking game for almost 3 years its time I re-edited the game with some changes. Please understand that the original posting for this game was 2011 and times have changed. I have since come up with some great rule changes that will make the game go smoother, and be more fun everyone so enjoy.

Welcome fair travelers!

 Here are the rules of the Oregon Trail drinking game, its moderately complex so you might want to print this out. If you’ve played KINGS CUP you might be familiar with some of the rules already.

 For the record, myself and two buddies of mine came up with the rules, so partial credit is due them as well. Feel free to come up with your own rules as you see fit.

As for right now, I can guarantee you that you will only need to play this game once. This game should be the first thing you do to start the night.

What you will need:

  1. A deck of Cards
  2. A coin
  3. A Ping Pong Ball
  4. Lots of Beer
  5. Hard Alcohol

To start- Shuffle the deck and place the cards on the table similar to  this:

This is how they should look when you’re all done.

How the game should look when you start.

Once the cards are placed, take turns going around the table each person pulling a card and following the instructions. The instructions for each card are listed below.

Ace -  Monument or landmark card – toast to the landmark, everyone drinks.

  • Be sure to set aside all the aces before dealing the cards.
  • place the aces in the 13th, 26th,39th and 52nd positions. When you’re laying the cards out on the table Add in one ace when you’ve gotten to the previously mentioned numbers.

2 – Disease card, the person to draw this card, takes the card and places it in front of them. They must take a shot (Or if they want, forgo a shot of hard alcohol for 4 SHOTS of their current drink)

  • IF the same person pulls two disease cards (pair of 2s) everyone else does a coin flip.  Hold one hand up in the air if you call heads, hands down means tails. Flip a coin, everyone who lost the flip has to take a shot. (if you lose the flip you may not substitute your shot)
  • IF the same person somehow miraculously pulls a third two, (three of a kind) everyone at the table has a choice. Take a double shot of hard alcohol or take all of your clothes off.

3 – Physical injury or impairment, The person who draws this card has an impairment placed on them completely thought up by the person to their right.

  • Example: Since Bobby drew the card, Bobby must now speak in a high-pitched voice or Bobby must now drink using both hands.
  • Bobby cannot use the word “The”
  • Bobby must shake his head back and forth for “No” furiously before taking a drink.

These impairments last until the end of the game.

4 – Ford the river, pass the drawn card using only two fingers to the person on your left, the card is passed around the table until it is passed to the drawer of the card and the table wins. If the card is dropped everyone takes a drink.

Pass the card using only two fingers per person.

5.- The Drover, You are the leader of the wagon train. You don’t have any power but you ARE NEVER ALLOWED TO HAVE AN EMPTY BEER IN FRONT OF YOU. EVER. (that means 2 open drinks) You also must get drinks for the thirsty travelers. If anyone is out of beer or needs a refill you must get it for them.  If anyone goes to bathroom you must guard the door, if someone leaves to take a phone call, you follow them until they are done. LEAVE NO ONE BEHIND. failure to follow this rule will result in taking a shot of alcohol if caught by anyone. If another person pulls a 5 you are no longer the drover.

6. 6 shooter. (HUNTING) Whoever draws this card gets ONE ping-pong ball and ONE opportunity at any time to throw the ping-pong ball at anyone’s bottle/cup thereby making them finish that drink entirely (be warned if you miss your shot, you have to finish your own drink instead.)(Also, be sure to use the ping-pong ball quickly as the next person to draw a 6 will immediately get possession of the ping-pong ball and you will forfeit your chance. ONLY 1 ball in play at any time.) Only one shot allowed per card drawn.

7. Indian attack! The last person to make a bow and arrow with both their arms and yell a war cry has to drink.

8. Oxen Eulogy  One of your oxen has died, the person who drew the 8 names the oxen. Example, “George.” Go around the table giving a one to two sentence eulogy for George. “George always pulled the hardest” “George made friends with all the kids” “George had the cleanest and shiniest hooves any ox could ever hope to have.” Points for thinking up the most creative – be sure to drink after each eulogy.

9. Wagon Master – makes a rule. That rule stands until the next 9 is drawn.

Examples of rules:

  •  The wagon train is made up of all British people no speaking in American accents.
  • Its windy out, every time you take a drink put a hand on your head to hold your (imaginary hat down)
  • Any time you miss a “Ford the River” everyone finishes their beer.

10. Rations – the player who draws this card gives 10 drinks divided any way they choose among any number of players.

Jack- Jackass who broke the wagon wheel. The person who draws this card is the end of a waterfall.  A Waterfall starts to the left of the person who drew the Jack. When the person to your right has stopped drinking only then may you stop.

Queen- All ladies drink

King- All men drink.

Failure to follow any of these rules will result in taking a drink. Good luck have fun and be safe!

Respectfully,

Moses.

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Online Dating As Told Through Gifs


For so many people out there  the prospect of finding a soul mate can be daunting. Enter the insane number of dating sites to solve your “single” problem.

Here is how online dating works as told through gifs.

What I expect every woman thinks when they view my profile:

Iloveyougif Iwantyou

What they actually think:

laughing

Or this:

Excuseme

When I see I’ve gotten a like or wink from a female:

OMGYEAH

When I’m checking out profiles and come across a woman who is both smart and funny and beautiful.

HOT

When I see a woman who spent 3 sentences describing herself but 3 pages describing what she wants in a man.

hahano

What I expect those same women look like:

Crazysmile

When I send a thoughtfully crafted and personal message and don’t get a response:

angry

How I will ALWAYS FLIRT on the first real date:

lookingsexy

(Food is soooo sexy)

When a lady hasn’t bothered to fill out her profile but messages me anyway:

ExcusemeWhat

I’m so paranoid, I always believe its someone I know messing with me.

How I feel when a woman 10-15 years older than me sends me a message:

laughingmikefassbender

When I finally get to go on a date with someone I’ve been talking to for a while:

hallelujah

When I glance at a profile and a lady wants a sexy toned athletic man who makes over 150,000 dollars.

Nononono

How I will probably end up spending the rest of my life:

notlonelyh

 

Best of luck in your quest to find someone!

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New Years Promises


blank list of resolutions on blackboard

Many of you have already picked out various new years resolutions. Or as I like to call them “promises.” You probably have already broken your’s already. Who says you gotta go THE WHOLE YEAR without eating ice cream? That shit is hard.

yeah

I mean who cares right?

You shouldn’t have to attach some personal meaning and self improvement to a date. Just do it any other day of the year. Have a month where you clean the shit out of your house. Have a month where you workout like you’re training for those competitions that the physically fit people do all the time. Triassicthon? Mechathalon? Or something. You know what I’m talking about.

You should set your goals so that they’re easier to accomplish.

  • Go to bed 15 minutes earlier
  • Switch sodas from your most favorite to your least favorite
  • Comment on my blog every time you read one of my posts.
  • Instead of working out, just park your car further away from the entrance to the grocery store. Use the stairs instead of the elevator.

My own new years promise is something that is really cool. I won’t however, reveal it because I intend to write a blog post about it at the end of the year.

Alright my new years preaching is over so feel free to have a great 2014

thumbsup2

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Playing Monopoly As told using GIFS.


GOtojail.

Its the HOLIDAY SEASON!  As you get together with family feel free to play boardgames or watch movies to pass the time. Here is how a recent game of monopoly went down with my family.

My little brother wanted to play a game of monopoly on Thanksgiving.  Being the very pro-business and competitive family that we are, we played. Things have gotten dicey in the past.

What I say to everyone before the game begins:
Nolosing

I make a few good roles buying up some properties and can even feel my confidence rising:

heehee

When I see someone buy up my favorite properties: (The dark green ones)

sadness

How I reacted when I saw my little brother getting ripped off. 2 railroads for electric company?

Ohhhhhh

When someone tries to rip me off:donttrypowers

When I land on free parking and get that extra money:

Dancingbaby

When I have hotels and a lot of money, and then 10 minutes later I’m broke.

doesntmakesense

When I land on a hotel someone else owns and I’m losing:

Noproblem

How I want to end my turn when I’m losing:

monopoly

When I’m broke, on the ropes and land on someone’s property hoping they won’t notice (so I don’t have to pay)

Hidethegiggle

When someone lands on my property and I don’t catch it:

Ifeellikeanidiot

My math skills most of the game:

mathConfused

How I really end the game before walking away:

bitches

 

 

 

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