The Update *

So I know I haven’t posted in over a year.

Alot has happened.

1. I discovered a natural lubricant that is both rejuvenating and msg/gluten free.
2. I broke up with my girl friend.
3. Made a career change.
4. Made a sex change.
5. Made a career sex change.
6. Moved back to Seattle to go to School.
7. Didn’t win the lottery.
8. Got better at Improv, and as a result all of my creative avenues were met and didn’t feel the need to write a blog anymore.

So you can see I’ve been busy. REALLY busy so to speak.

I’m not sure if I’ll delete this blog. I’ll come across the odd post and go, “Hmm.. that seems funny.” On others it will be,  “thats not funny at all.”

So What should I do?

To the 1 or 2 people who might read this?

No really what should I do?

Max

Interesting Sightings/My World View Is Gone

I came across this truck recently and it got me wondering.

I know what La Boheme is. Its an Opera, a very famous opera.

Now I know we’re all allowed to have our hobbies.

However, when I came across this white truck (IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD) I was perplexed. I would be more likely to see this very same truck with a vanity license plate of NASCAR3 than LABOH3M.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND? MY FUCKING WORLD IS UPSIDE DOWN RIGHT NOW.

I imagine an older man with this pipe, sitting down to a record player. The sweet caresses of puccini spill in the background. His pipe smoke slowly wafting to the ceiling. He has no cares in the world. Only his beloved, “La Boheme” and some old ford truck keys hanging next to the front door.

Across the tracks an older man in his 40’s gets into his silver Maserati. In the truck a bow, next to him a hunting rifle. He kills a fucking deer two hours later and skins it. He throws the carcass into his maserati not giving a fuck about it. He is covered in blood. He drives home to some country music.

Romance and Relationships As Told Through Gifs

So I met a girl which kind of shocked me.

You see, for a long time I’ve felt this way:

I’ve spent my days just dragging along not really caring about being in a relationship.

Don’t get me wrong I like this:

So Imagine my surprise when I was at Oktoberfest last weekend, I ran into and talked with a really amazing woman.

When I saw her I might have done this:

She probably did this:

I may have said something like this:

And she might have done this:

Ultimately our reactions after meeting each other were probably more like this:

Or this:

We got to talking, she told all of her friends this:

I may have told my friends, nothing because I don’t really remember. More than likely I said this to myself:

I wake up every morning pinching myself that this is really happening. I might even just stare off into space like this:

We’ve both said this to each other:

And this:

Who knows where this will go. I’m just happier and have noticed a drastic improvement in my life.

Sometimes something awesome will happen to you when you least expect it.

🙂

What I Would Do If I Won The Lottery

Just some fun things to do with your time if you win. You never know.

It doesn’t hurt to day dream once in a while.

1. I’d dress up like a homeless man, any time someone would give me a few dollars or some change I’d give them 1000$.

2. Roll a bunch of 100$ bills around a tennis ball using a rubber band to secure. Drive around, any time I see an old car that looks like its on its last legs I’ll ask the driver to roll down his window and throw the cash tennis ball in his car.

3. If I see some one got a parking ticket, slip enough money to cover their parking ticket into the envelope.

4. Pick a random person in line at the grocery store to check out. Nod to the store manager who nods back and their grocery bill is taken care of.

5. Do the same thing with #4 at an emergency room. (USA AM I RIGHT?)

6. Go to an unemployment line and pick someone out at random and hire them at 100$ an hour to hang out with me for the day. Play games, get food, see a movie and talk about life and shit.

7. If I see someone do a good deed like pick up garbage off the ground I’d give that person a 100$.

8. Randomly stick hundreds of dollars in some of my favorite books at the library. READING IS GOOD FOR YOU!

9. Hook up a smoke machine inside the hood of my car. I accidentally “BREAKDOWN” on the side of the road, any time someone came to help or offer assistance I’d give them 1000$.

10. Go to the closest American University and find the most deserving College student and pay his student loans off (USA AM I RIGHT?)

11. Go to a homeless shelter and pick out a family at random and put them up in a nice apartment for a year.

12. Anytime I see a dog owner pick up their dog’s shit, give them 50$.

13. Pay any hot women I see 1000$ to streak naked down the street.

14. Don’t do #13 and use the money for good instead, even though I still really want to.

15. On April Fools day buy a bunch of those envelopes that look like you got a parking ticket:

And put cash in them, placing them on random cars parked on the road.

Have a good week everyone may you win the lottery!

How I Feel Now That Football Is Back!

Welcome back Football! Oh How I missed you!

For those of you who don’t know, my foot ball team did really well last season. We won the trophy, the Superbowl, the Mega Millions of Football trophies. I’ve been really looking forward to this new season.

My dance last Thursday on opening day.

 

What I wanted to do to Football:

 

What I Actually did:

 

How I felt at the end of last season:

How could I not have this reaction? This has been my reaction to the end of football for most of my life:

Or this:

You see the Seahawks have been bad for so long. We had one trip to the Superbowl but we lost! BUT WE WON LAST YEAR!

How I felt when I realized I forgot to sign up for fantasy football again:

When a friend of mine who doesn’t care about football says he wants to be a Seahawks Fan:

NO BANDWAGON FANS!

My Reaction to the Ray Rice Video:

How I feel about all on field injuries:

Why I will never play football BECAUSE OF SAID injuries:

How can a body do that and not die?

How I feel about this season as a Seahawks fan:

 

 

Good luck to everyone and every team out there, you’re going to need it.

 

🙂

 

She is So Beautiful.

While I have never uttered any of these words, I know some poor sap of a guy has at one time or another.

She is so beautiful, I just want to go through her garbage and see if she has a boyfriend.

She is so beautiful, I want to find out what her hobbies are and become an expert in them by the end of the day.

She is so beautiful, I want her to want me to want my baby inside of her.

She is so beautiful she’s a walking traffic jam.

She is so beautiful she re invents the word beautiful. She is Blewtiful, as in, she blew my mind and my pants off.

She is so beautiful, I started drooling…. OUT OF MAH DICK.

She is so beautiful, the only time I’ve been clinically dead was when  she accidentally grazed my arm when she walked past me. (I’m writing this from heaven)

She is so beautiful, she has had multiple assassination attempts by other less beautiful women.

She is so beautiful I’ve spent the last 4 years guessing her phone number and hovering the mouse over the “send friend request button” on Facebook.

And this:

 

Where You Put Your GPS Unit and What it Says About You.

Middle Lower of the Windshield.

• You’re the type of person who wants a clear view of the road. You probably take your time when you make left hand turns because your field of view is obscured by the door frame. You know exactly where you’re going whenever you get into a car, you have a tendency to back seat drive and get frustrated when someone else is driving. But you’re a careful driver and one that people can rely on. You are a Leo and your favorite song to sing in the car is, “Stay With Me.”

Lower Left Of the Windshield

• You’re the person who makes sure their seat belt is locked. Your decision to move your GPS unit in the lower left part of the windshield really speaks lengths about how you feel about yourself. You don’t think very highly of yourself and often feel reluctant to take about personal problems. When your GPS unit is wrong you blame yourself. You’re the type of person who bought a GPS unit because you literally have no idea where you’re going most of the time.

Below the Rear View Mirror.

• You’re efficient with you’re driving. You know you’re checking out your rear view mirror all the time so might as well check two things at the same time in the same vicinity. You might be followed or you might be checking for the cops as you blast your way down the road. You don’t care about the obstruction of vision you just want to get where you need to go. You’re direct when you drive and direct when you use your GPS. You just want to get there.

Middle of the Dash

• You think you’re important but you’re not. You’re kind of an asshole. You wish you had a enough money to buy a car with a built in GPS but you don’t. You thought you’d be cool by hooking your GPS unit to the dash, but it only makes you come off as douchebag. You fart a lot while driving. You also have a Urinary tract infection most of the year. You don’t know why you won’t put your GPS unit on the windshield, but your complete lack of intelligence prevents you from answering that question. You have a lot of bumper stickers spouting inane or outdated slogans. Your car is covered in garbage inside and you only bought your GPS unit because your few remaining friends got sick of talking you through every turn to Cold Stone Creamery. If your GPS unit told you to turn left into a lake, you’d do it. You scratch your butt constantly and listen to old rave music from the late 90’s.

 

Mind Games

 

 

Hey folks! Here are some things you can do when you’re bored, want to mess with people or just like have free time in your day to day activities. I’ll be honest, if you plan on doing any of these you’ll probably come off as an asshole.

1. Go up to a normally dressed person you don’t know and look them over saying, “you’re wearing that?”

2. Go up to a stranger and point to their nose saying, “hey you’ve got something on your nose.” If they try to wipe it away keep telling them they’re missing it.

3. As an attractive woman walk up to an obviously straight male checking you out and say,”I love your eye shadow.”

4. In a department store walk up to a stranger and whisper to them. “Its in the bathroom.” If they respond walk away nervously.

5. At a bus stop make repeated and serious eye contact with someone in a car, Pee your pants for that super crazy look.

6. When a friend calls you on your cell phone take on a completely different persona. Talk like this for a minute or two. See how long you can keep it up.

7. While driving at night wear a Halloween mask. Try making eye contact with other drivers. Especially drivers with children.

8. On dark and stormy nights dress up in a ghost costume and walk by lonely country roads or battlefields making drivers by think the roads are haunted.

9. Buy a bunch of bulk bumper stickers. Put them on cars who double park or are general assholes. (the bumper stickers can be anything from “my child is a super star” to “THANKS OBAMA.”)

10. If you know someone likes water, and uses plastic water bottles. Switch out the water with straight bottom shelf Vodka. If you know someone who likes Snapple, switch it with half whiskey half Snapple.

An Open Letter to the Canadian Prime Minister

 

Dear Canadian Prime Minister,

I know what your real name is because I googled it. I’ve decided to call you Canadian Prime minister because it makes this open letter sound more ominous.

Hey, its me Moses.

I’ve decided to become Canadian and here are some things I’ve done.

• I jerked off to a photo of Dave Coulier with a mullet.
• Watched Jeopardy and basked in the glory of his highness Lord Alex Trebek.
• Put some maple syrup on my pancakes. (It wasn’t from Vermont)
• Watched Hockey
• Called money “Loonies” and didn’t call a person a loonie.
• Drank beer that came from Canada.
• Hid out in a walk in freezer for a 8 months to simulate a Canadian winter.
• Converted everything to the metric system. (WHICH WAS REALLY HARD)
• Went in to a hospital and PAID NOTHING for healthcare. I think it was free.
• I laughed once at a recent Mike Myers movie.
• I apologize frequently and am polite.

I’m willing to trade Alaska if it means citizenship. I might not technically be able to make the trade but I’ve got a can do attitude and a willingness to work.

Anyway, I know you’re busy with Canadian stuff so if you could go ahead and get back to me when you get a chance. My only alternative to an open Canadian citizenship process would be to just marry some random Canadian girl. WHICH I WILL DO, if forced.

Hopefully your new citizen.

Moses.

Observations Part 4

Just some observations for you all.

I don’t drink Colombian coffee. I snort it, and its probably not black its white. And its probably not Coffee.

The only thing worse than a rapist is a clown rapist. The only thing worse than a clown rapist is a clown rapist with a venereal disease who moon lights as a serial killer.

As a man you should always play hard to get………………..In prison…. Actually you should play impossible to get.

Remember that you’ll only be young for a short amount of time. You’ll end up spending more time being ugly and old.

Ladies what if you cheat on your boyfriend with the same boyfriend before you meet him? #time machine.

If you’re the first one to jump off a plane sky diving, be sure to yell, “I sabotaged my parachute, I go to meet the lord!” right before you jump.